Thursday, November 8, 2007 | Reason : Comedy | print version

Pat Robertson Says Giuliani Presidency Appears in Book of Revelation

by Andy Borowitz

Reposted from:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/pat-robertson-says-giulia_b_71744.html

Also see:
In a Surprise, Pat Robertson Backs Giuliani (This is not satire)

duo

Pat Robertson, right, endorsed Rudolph W. Giuliani on Wednesday, in spite of conflicting views on abortion rights, among others.

THE FOLLOWING IS SATIRE: (I think?)

One day after endorsing former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani for president, televangelist Pat Robertson explained his decision, saying that a Giuliani presidency features prominently in the Book of Revelation.

In his endorsement announcement the day before, Rev. Robertson had made reference to Mr. Giuliani's tenure as "America's Mayor," but did not indicate that the Republican frontrunner was a key player in the Bible's most apocalyptic book.

In his statement today, however, the televangelist made it clear that "in order for the Second Coming to occur, the world needs to end, and Rudy Giuliani is just the man for that job."

Rev. Robertson said that he was "confident" that within weeks of his inauguration, Mr. Giuliani would usher in the "end days" that are a staple of Bible prophecy.

In praising Mr. Giuliani, Mr. Robertson had critical words for the current resident of the White House, President George W. Bush: "President Bush got us on the road to Armageddon, but it's taking too darn long -- Rudy Giuliani will put us in the express lane."

While the Giuliani camp initially welcomed the endorsement of the influential evangelist, the former New York mayor seemed less enthusiastic today about being identified as one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.

When asked by a reporter in Iowa about Mr. Robertson's comments today, Mr. Giuliani replied, "9/11."

Elsewhere, former Beatle Paul McCartney confirmed that he is dating a Metropolitan Transportation Authority board member, explaining, "Since my divorce from Heather, I've had to start taking the subway."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.

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1. Comment #86229 by BAEOZ on November 8, 2007 at 7:20 pm

What's that law about satire and reality being difficult to separate when it comes to relgion?

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2. Comment #86230 by Fuller on November 8, 2007 at 7:24 pm

"9/11"

Gold.

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3. Comment #86232 by Matt7895 on November 8, 2007 at 7:26 pm

Sigh....

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4. Comment #86237 by Rtambree on November 8, 2007 at 7:35 pm

Hitchens and Pat Robertson have something in common - they both prefer Giuliani as President.

Only a few weeks to go until Pat Robertson's 2007 prophecy about terrorist attacks on the USA expires. From his Wiki page...

"On January 2, 2007, during the 700 Club show, Robertson said that God spoke to him and told him that "mass killings" were to come during 2007, due to a terrorist attack on the United States. He added "The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."[77]"

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5. Comment #86239 by Diacanu on November 8, 2007 at 7:41 pm

*Vomits*

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6. Comment #86244 by Crapsquire on November 8, 2007 at 7:59 pm

Remember this is the worlds most powerful nation; we're fucked!

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7. Comment #86245 by A. Person on November 8, 2007 at 8:06 pm

Poe's Law, BAEOZ.

I'll be honest; I didn't know this was satire until the 9/11. Giuliani includes a noun and a verb along with 9/11 in his statements, which demonstrates the fakery.

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8. Comment #86246 by BAEOZ on November 8, 2007 at 8:11 pm

The bits about Guilliani being one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypes and that the writer being a comedian also tip off the reader that it's satire I think.

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9. Comment #86248 by Crapsquire on November 8, 2007 at 8:12 pm

Oh, wait a minute, I missed the opening line: "THE FOLLOWING IS SATIRE: (I think?)". It's just so damn hard to tell. The American presidential hopefuls really do have to cozy up to truly insane people that represent millions of other insane people. How can you distinguish between satirical insanity and real insanity? Alas, we are still fucked!

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10. Comment #86249 by Dr Benway on November 8, 2007 at 8:14 pm

LOL. Had me going for a minute.

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11. Comment #86250 by tomyr95 on November 8, 2007 at 8:17 pm

Why be so worried about abortion and homosexuals when you are so in a hurry for the world to end. So, must be satire. :) Dang this would have made for great TV, but not on CNN, so not true, right? :)

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12. Comment #86251 by mr harry on November 8, 2007 at 8:24 pm

Why Giuliani? He is the most socially progressive republican candidate, and quite possibly the least religion-friendly republican candidate.

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13. Comment #86266 by steveroot on November 8, 2007 at 9:49 pm

You should check out the Borowitz Report (www.borowitzreport.com). He has had some very clever and funny pieces, many involving religion.
Steve

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14. Comment #86268 by 82abhilash on November 8, 2007 at 9:59 pm

12. Comment #86251 by mr harry on November 8, 2007 at 8:24 pm
Why Giuliani? He is the most socially progressive republican candidate, and quite possibly the least religion-friendly republican candidate.

Guys and Gals,
This is not as funny as the article makes it look. Giuliani has promised Pat that he will appoint conservative judges in the Court of Appeals and the Supreme Court. Chances are they will be from Regent University.

Remember what Edward Tabash has been stressing on in all his speeches. In the end it will all boil down to who the judges are. And Pat Robertson knows that all too well. Why else would he even consider a pro-abortion candidate with an obviously screwed up personal life?

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15. Comment #86271 by joekoz451 on November 8, 2007 at 10:13 pm

One day after endorsing former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani for president, televangelist Pat Robertson explained his decision, saying that a Giuliani presidency features prominently in the Book of Revelation.

I suppose one *COULD* make the argument that Giuliani is the Antichrist ... I know I'd buy into THAT!

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16. Comment #86272 by room101 on November 8, 2007 at 10:16 pm

Un-f****** believable...

Back in May of this year, Giuliani ripped Ron Paul during a republican debate when Paul suggested that US foreign policy may have contributed to our nation being attacked. Rudy G. lambasted him for suggesting that we somehow brought this on ourselves.

Pat Robertson said the following regarding the attacks on 9/11:

"We have insulted God at the highest levels of our government. And, then we say 'why does this happen?' Well, why its happening is that God Almighty is lifting His protection from us"

So, Rudy G. rips Ron Paul for having the sheer gall of "suggesting" that our policies could have something to do with the attacks, but welcomes the endorsement of a televangelist who essentially said that "we had it coming"?

WTF????? Regardless of how Rudy feels about the issue, what a friggin' flip-flopper. He's should lose all credibility...

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17. Comment #86295 by Nick Good on November 9, 2007 at 12:22 am

If the Republicans have the sense to nominate socially liberal Guliani; I suspect they will win the presidency again. I just can't see Hilary Clinton or Barack Obama having more electoral appeal.

Guliani will swing many floating voters and social classically-liberal types his way; including some natural Dems, concerned about the moveon.org type 'moonbattery' that's currently to the fore in the Democratic party.

Quite possibly the social conservatives, many of whom's views are informed by religion, realise that Guliani represents their best hope of a Republican securing the White House. Pat Robertson's endorsement rather suggests this. Make no mistake, this is a huge fillip for Guliani. It goes a long way to nutralising Guliani's key perceived weakness - that the religious, social conservative tranche of the Republican party, could never endorse him because of his social liberal values, and his personal circumstances.

Anyway, I don't agree with all Guliani's positions; but on balance, I hope he wins the Republican nomination, and the Presidency.

He is, to my mind, by far the most measured of any of the candidates on either side. He will also continue with the thrust of US foreign policy in it's fight against Islamic theocratic totalitarian imperialism; and that's very much a good thing. I'm pretty much with Hitchens on this one.

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18. Comment #86301 by Nick Good on November 9, 2007 at 12:34 am

The biggest threat to Guliani in my view; is Al Gore. Though I don't think he'll stand, he's doing too nicely as captain of the Global-Warming hyperbole and hysteria industry.

Perhaps ironically, given the Pat Robertson endorsement; of all the potential candidates in with a shot, Democrat or Republican, including Gore; Guliani is by far the most secular.

Other Comments by Nick Good

19. Comment #86437 by konquererz on November 9, 2007 at 8:14 am

Rudy G is such a piece of work. For him to gladly accept the endorsement of a man who believes 9/11 was gods punishment, after DEMANDING an apology from Ron Paul is inexcusable! He doesn't stand a snowballs chance in fairy tale hell of getting my vote now. Simply unbelievable! I whats worse is no one seems to care that he will so visibly and easily sacrifice his values for votes. Jack ass!!

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20. Comment #86449 by arogop on November 9, 2007 at 8:54 am

At this point Rudy will almost certainly be getting my vote. It is unfortunate that he had to accept this endorsement, but it is what is needed to win. I would not worry about his track record with judges. His record speaks for itself.

He was right to Demand an apology from Ron Paul. In this day and age it is virtually never right to kill civilians.

Of all the Republicans in the race Rudy is most likely to support science and research.

But of course, it is fun to make fun of him! Isn't it awesome having a president and not a Monarch or Dictator.

Andrew

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21. Comment #86463 by robotaholic on November 9, 2007 at 10:19 am

I don't want Giuliani to be president - I don't want President RUDOLF! That just doesn't roll off the tongue... lol

Besides...I can't imagine anyone better than Hillary at dealing with Middle Eastern female persecution. >:)

I doubt she would take any shXX - or so it would appear...

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22. Comment #86465 by steve99 on November 9, 2007 at 10:34 am

At this point Rudy will almost certainly be getting my vote.

Not that I want to interfere in US politics, but it might be worth researching his recent statement about cancer treatment comparing the USA and the UK. He seems to have an interesting relationship with the truth.

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23. Comment #86553 by Vendetta on November 9, 2007 at 2:53 pm

21. Comment #86449 by arogop on November 9, 2007 at 8:54 am

He was right to Demand an apology from Ron Paul. In this day and age it is virtually never right to kill civilians.

Wow, I didn't realize Ron Paul said it was ok to kill civilians. Do you realize how stupid Rudy G's remarks were? How would you answer Ron Paul's question about how would we react to a foreign country building military bases in the US? Bin Laden said our permanent bases in Saudi Arabia were the primary motivation for the 9/11 attack. Gee, do you think our actions might have consequences? Oh, that's right. They just want to kill us for our freedoms, like our dimwit president says.

Rudy was quoted on 9/11 as saying "thank God George Bush is our president". Are you kidding me? Like things would have been just so much worse with a democrat president.

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24. Comment #86571 by Zaphod on November 9, 2007 at 4:15 pm

I can taste stomach acid.

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25. Comment #86578 by boozec on November 9, 2007 at 4:33 pm

That was hilarious. For a moment there I almost shitted my pants.

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26. Comment #86831 by happyatheist on November 10, 2007 at 8:55 am

Did Pat ever apologize for his comments about 9/11? For agreeing with Falwell rather than standing up against his stupid comments? Does it really matter if he did since he's a liar and a hypocrite anyway? If he really believed a word of what he was spewing,Pat would have endorsed Mike Huckabee...the conservative Christian who "doesn't believe in" evolution. Pat said he was NOT endorsing Giuliani cuz he thought he was the candidate most likely to defeat Clinton should either win their primary. Everyone knows that's a lie. Giuliani is a twice divorced Catholic who is liberal on social issues...particularly abortion and gay rights (he even marched in SIX gay pride parades dressed in drag, LOL!). Had it not been for 9/11...he would not even be in the race. Pat just doesn't wanna see a Democrat in office. Why not just admit it instead of lying? Polls don't mean much unless people go out and actually vote...but thus far every poll I've seen puts Clinton ahead in the primary and in the general election...albeit by a small margin in the latter. She has my vote no matter what her flaws are or how big a whore her hubby is. They are ALL politicians anyway. But since I live in America and politicians have the power to alter my lifestyle (can you say "draft" if we keep attacking other countries?)or the Constitution, ergo, my "rights"...I'll vote for the lesser of two evils. Polls also show that an overwhelming majority of Americans are tired of a fruitless war and how the Bush Admin has run America into the ground. If Giuliani happens to become the next president, I don't have a problem with that (esp. since he does "believe in" evolution, LOL!). I think it's a shame Schwarzenegger can't run. LOL! At this point I'll settle for anyone who isn't George W. Bush. I just hope none of the front-running candidates invokes "God" at every debate. Four more years of "God told me to take this path" and I'll move to New Zealand. LOL!

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27. Comment #86890 by briancoughlanworldcitizen on November 10, 2007 at 11:28 am

23. Comment #86465 by steve99 on November 9, 2007 at 10:34 am

Not that I want to interfere in US politics, but it might be worth researching his recent statement about cancer treatment comparing the USA and the UK. He seems to have an interesting relationship with the truth.

On the contrary, I take every possible opportunity I can to "interfere". The american president is the most powerful politician in the world, yet 6.3 billion of us have absolutely no say whatever in who gets into that position.

At the very least, we should be doing everything in our power to highlight the outrages of the republican party to americans. I'll heave a sigh of relief (as both an atheist and a humanitarian) on the day the republican party is taken out back, shot by the electorate, and pronounced politically deceased.

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28. Comment #86933 by Miri on November 10, 2007 at 1:07 pm

My dad and I were talking about why the f%#$ Robertson would be endorsing Giuliani, and I joked that he probably thought it would hasten the apolcalypse somehow. Nice to see other people think like me.

That pic of Giuliani smiling with Robertson sure makes me want to start kicking some furniture.

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29. Comment #87085 by will young on November 11, 2007 at 6:44 am

Giuliani is the worst of a bad bunch…

He told his wife he was leaving her for another woman during a public press conference.

His appointments would be no better - and likely worse - than those of Bush (think Kerik).

He used the WTC attacks for personal gain earning up to $200, 000 per speaking engagement posing as a terrorism expert.

He agrees with suspending civil liberties and doesn't think water-boarding is torture.

He supports the occupation of Iraq and a military strike on Iran.

Patrick Dorismond.

Seems an endorsement by a lunatic is certainly appropriate.

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30. Comment #87224 by SilentMike on November 11, 2007 at 2:19 pm

As a concerned non-american I can't say I'm too happy about any of the merry bunch in the run for the american presidency. I don't see Giuliani as too bad.

As an Israeli,he's good for us, though most of you wouldn't care about that. As an rational atheist, I have to say he's among the less christy of the republicans and actually measures up pretty well in comperison with the Democrat hopefulls as well (If I head Hillary Clinton start going on about her faith again I swear to The FSM I will vomit). He's pro-choice so he'll appoint the right judges. He managed to not raise his hand when requested to show allegiance to creationism.

Giuliani may go on about 9/11 but he doesn't really have anything to do with the current administration. Being Mayor of a liberal city he's hardly the kind of conservative that's going to obsess about people's personal morals. Quite frankly I don't really care what he says in this campain circus. It isn't like you can believe that anyway.

I think that there are some choices out there that are a lot worse than Giuliani.

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31. Comment #87237 by 35bluejacket on November 11, 2007 at 2:47 pm

How about a serious counter: "Howbeit when the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you unto all truth..." Darwin and his disciples? Sounds good to me.

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32. Comment #88307 by clearthinker on November 15, 2007 at 11:19 pm

Pat Robertson is one very scary person. Still his current pronoucements should blow up forever the weird alliance of some evangelical Christianity and right wing Republicanism. It is clear that Robertson cares more about his politics than he does his faith. In his weird and wacko world it seems as though nuking Iran comes ahead of stopping abortion. Unbelievable.

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33. Comment #91811 by arogop on November 29, 2007 at 11:13 am

27. Comment #86890 by briancoughlanworldcitizen

"I'll heave a sigh of relief (as both an atheist and a humanitarian) on the day the republican party is taken out back, shot by the electorate, and pronounced politically deceased. "

Well then you would be killing good athiests like me. Remember that just because the our party has been hijacked by the religious right does not mean that atheist just became Democrats.

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34. Comment #98890 by Barnacle on December 14, 2007 at 8:39 pm

I personally rather like Giuliani for the most part and, while it's a shame that he is being endorsed by this idiot, I can understand why he is accepting the backing.

As for what Pat Robertson cares about more - politics or religion - he is probably concerned about economics more than abortion. Or else just realises that Rudy might actually win.

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35. Comment #99191 by dragonfirematrix on December 15, 2007 at 9:13 pm

Pat Robertson is a never ending source of idiotic amusement. I wonder if he EVER thinks before he speaks.

However...

One dangerously serious note about Pat Robertson's (and most all, Christian conservatives, I guess) comment is the consistency of Christian wishes for the end of the world. We must consider this Christian belief and desire for the "end" as their serious threat to world peace, just as many of us see Islam as a threat to world peace.

It is all about religion, not terrorism.

The flyer "imagine no religion" speaks volumes about how far more advanced humankind would be if it were not for religion.

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