The issue of ‘faith’ is coming up even more than usual these past few weeks as the Republican primaries heat up and the remaining candidates are vying for the privilege of being the ‘most Christian’. We’ve seen the scramble over health insurance, hormonal contraceptives and ‘religious freedom’ (I foolishly thought the Constitution protected individual freedoms not the freedom of the Catholic church to dictate whether American citizens could be denied certain types of health insurance), but now we are getting to the heart of the issue.

For example, we have Franklin Graham, son of Billy Graham, who said that he could not verify that President Obama is a Christian. “I just have to assume that he is,”.... But he has no question about Rick Santorum. “His values are so clear on moral issues. No question about it. … I think he’s a man of faith.(1)” I am so glad he cleared that up as it has been weighing heavily on my mind.

I have to take Mr. Graham’s word on Santorum, after all he has a lot more experience with religion and politics than I do. There is a lot of evidence as well, as the news media are now noting that Santorum took a pretty strong stance about Satan’s reach into American society back in 2008. In fact, according to Santorum, Satan so dislikes our American goodness that the only country for Satan left to attack is the United States(2). If only we had invested in ‘Star Wars’ defense technology.

Gosh, I guess we really have irritated Satan of late - in fact Santorum was clear about that - its been two decades ago when Satan went into a full offensive - about the time George I was President.

What really shocked me was that the entire fall of mankind apparently is the fault of - wait for it - academics! Talk about some good old fashioned Catholic guilt!! Whoa! I am an academic (and an evolutionary psychologist at that, which probably makes me really evil). I work for an academic too - but I think he often is put on the evil list even without his academic credentials. I’ve been blamed for a lot of things, but the fall of mankind - I really didn’t know I had that sort of clout.

I was a Sputnik kid - my education was spurred on by the fear that the Soviets would rule the skies. It was a great boon (so I thought) for public education. The government poured a whole lot of money into everything from kindergarten to college - especially in the maths and sciences. But now, boy do I feel like a schmuck - the whole thing was a ploy by Satan. I guess he probably had a direct line to Nikita Khruschev and talked him into sending up that unmanned satellite to start the domino effect leading up to Obama being elected (according to Santorum, Obama is the first post-modern President and a sign of Satan’s success) and the fall of the United States of America.

So now I’m intrigued. Gosh, all this Satan take-over stuff happened right after I was born. Wow! I was right here on this planet when Satan started his entire plan to take over the United States. It’s kind of cool really to think I have a ring-side seat to all this drama.

Now Satan is really clever, because after he corrupted all the academics who then corrupted all the students (like me), he went after the Protestant Church. I sort of paused when I heard Santorum say that the Catholic Church wasn’t bothered much by Satan and it was strictly the Protestants who fell to his seductive nature. Really? Was it the Holy Water?

But then it occurred to me that Satan didn’t have to work on corrupting the Catholic Church because there were plenty of priests who were busily corrupting altar-boys - so why mess with a good thing - right? The Protestants obviously needed to be taken out.

This is all riveting stuff. Satan didn’t have to mess with any of the other nations either, because of course they weren’t America - and America is, well God’s special place. That made me wonder if Santorum was perhaps more Mormon than Catholic. The head of the Catholic Church is in Rome, so I would have thought that’s where Satan would have started - but I would be wrong. That made me wonder though because according to the Mormons the US is more sacred than the Vatican - and that is rather confusing when it comes to why Satan would pick America and not the Vatican to start his evil overthrow. Well, that’s all that sort of complicated theology that we atheists (did I mention that part about being an atheist? It’s not my fault, you can blame that on Sputnik) don’t understand. That’s why we are so angry.

I digress....

It gets better! Really! After the Protestant Church became a shambles and as Santorum said “...gone from the world of Christianity”, then Satan went after culture. Wait, wait... hold up here. Isn’t Franklin Graham a Protestant? So if he is gone from the world of Christianity and says that Santorum is Christian and that Obama is ‘uncertain’ - could that be Satan messing with us again?

Oh gosh, I really should have studied more theology because this is getting so complicated!

After academics, Protestants, and Culture - it was finally the turn of politics and the wealthy. Whew - they had a pretty easy ride while Satan was busy with causing the fall of education, religion and culture. Santorum gives a great example of how politics has fallen the way of Satan. This guy running for the US Senate gave an interview to the Chicago Sun Times - and when asked what he thought sin was he replied, “Being out of alignment with my values.” Oh my gosh! Satan written all over it! I’m just horrified!

Oh dear Darwin! I voted for the Satan-tainted Obama when he ran for President - in fact I was really active in his campaign. But you can’t hold me responsible, it really isn’t my fault. How was I to know that in the year following my birth, Satan and Kruschev had this plan to increase educational opportunities for all Americans and that led to the now President - yes - I’m talking about OUR President - actually thinking that his values are important. That Satan guy - whoa - what a devil.

I am afraid I digressed a bit - but it really was important because it is the only way to really understand what the Republican primaries are all about. It’s about a spiritual war. I thought (must be from that Political Science course from Professor Beelzebub) that the issues were about economics, about international relations, and the welfare of the Republic. Honestly, I had no idea that Satan had laid down this plan to overthrow America. It is interesting that he chose the first Black president to do this - but that leads us back to the Mormons - are we sure Santorum isn’t Mormon?

Now that I fully understand the issues, I’ll be paying closer attention. I highly recommend listening to the entire speech by Mr. Santorum to Ave Maria University - the link is below. I think it will really change some minds - I hope you’ll agree and share it with your friends.