1. New Zealand man sells his soul to 'Hell'

Comment #203904 by mikecbraun on July 3, 2008 at 10:56 pm

For sale by owner:
1978 soul, one owner, original chrome and sin. Slight hail damage. No rust. Serious inquiries only please. 666-6666 after 5pm.

2. Crack annoyance squad wanted

Comment #203867 by mikecbraun on July 3, 2008 at 9:24 pm

Here's what I would do: don't bring any identification of any kind to this event if you're going to go and be "annoying". If they try to fine you, refuse to identify yourself and interfere with every attempt they make to identify you. It sounds like a bunch of rent-a-cops or weekend warriors getting their dream of being policeman for a day to come true, so what real power do they have anyway? If you have a fine coming your way for being "annoying" already, you might as well take it that extra mile or ten. Kilometers, sorry. Oh sorry, kilometres. Take it that extra 1.6 km or 6. See what I mean? Cut your fingertips off and remove all of your teeth to make it really difficult to identify you!

3. Muslims outraged at police advert featuring cute puppy sitting in policeman's hat

Comment #203254 by mikecbraun on July 2, 2008 at 2:09 pm

al-rawandi

Does that mean Khomeini wished them well as they won the Cup under the vomit-inducing name of the Carolina Hurricanes? And does he like puppies?

4. Muslims outraged at police advert featuring cute puppy sitting in policeman's hat

Comment #203217 by mikecbraun on July 2, 2008 at 1:21 pm

al-rawandi:

Oh no you ditt-int!

Muslim Community Protests Another Infidel Detroit Cup, Throws Support Behind Columbus Blue Jackets As "Least Unclean Team"

5. Muslims outraged at police advert featuring cute puppy sitting in policeman's hat

Comment #203215 by mikecbraun on July 2, 2008 at 1:16 pm

"However, remember the Young ones when the washing machine rejected their underwear :-) "

I remember it well! That was the first time in my young life that I was exposed to both British comedy, which would become a lifelong love, and Motorhead! I can still picture Neil's underpants crawling down the sidewalk by themselves.

6. Muslims outraged at police advert featuring cute puppy sitting in policeman's hat

Comment #203208 by mikecbraun on July 2, 2008 at 1:11 pm

One more...

Idiot Posts Unfunny False News Headlines On Forum, Is Banned For Life

Just in case someone beat me to it...

7. Muslims outraged at police advert featuring cute puppy sitting in policeman's hat

Comment #203204 by mikecbraun on July 2, 2008 at 1:09 pm

And to be fair...

Christian Expert Says Prayer Sufficient Alternative To Eating

Catholic Couple Stop At Eighteen Children To Ease Stress On Mother Earth

Hindu Accidentally Consumes Beef, Arrested For Cannibalism

Man Struck By Lightning, Seeks Civil Suit Against Zeus

8. Muslims outraged at police advert featuring cute puppy sitting in policeman's hat

Comment #203198 by mikecbraun on July 2, 2008 at 1:01 pm

Sun Rising In East, Setting In West Outrages Muslims

Muslims Up In Arms Over Everything On Television

Other People In Universe Consuming Pork Angers Muslim Community

Progress, Technology, Tolerance, Wisdom Stir Up Resentment In Muslim Community

Thought I'd try a few...

9. Can't Darwin and God get along?

Comment #202717 by mikecbraun on July 1, 2008 at 9:40 pm

Darwin's dead and God doesn't exist, so there's fat chance of them getting along. That's like asking if Abe Lincoln and The Outlaw Josey Wales can get along.

10. Who Was More Important: Lincoln or Darwin?

Comment #201940 by mikecbraun on June 30, 2008 at 12:58 pm

But Chuck Norris would kick all of the pieces and declare victory! Then he would force MJ and King Arthur to submit to Christianity and admit how much ass the U.S.A. kicks! Then it would end with sappy music and a slow-mo shot of Chuck, probably with a headband, in a steamy jungle.

11. Charles Darwin was not the father of atheism

Comment #201915 by mikecbraun on June 30, 2008 at 12:06 pm

Uncle Charlie not yo' Baby Daddy!

12. Who Was More Important: Lincoln or Darwin?

Comment #201900 by mikecbraun on June 30, 2008 at 11:51 am

Yes, Darwin's beard was much better because the lack of moustache just made Lincoln's beard seem incomplete and wanting something. A little too Amish to be considered Most Important Gentleman of All-Time in the Universe in the World Ever. Although both had a proclivity for hats, Darwin always seemed to pick more tasteful items from the haberdashery. Lincoln's stovepipe hat only amplified his gangling awkwardness (the Marfan's syndrome did not help, either). Style points to Mr. Darwin.

13. Who Was More Important: Lincoln or Darwin?

Comment #201886 by mikecbraun on June 30, 2008 at 11:21 am

Ben Franklin was a kick-ass scientist and inventor, along the lines of Batman. Just think if Batman and Franklin teamed up.

14. Who Was More Important: Lincoln or Darwin?

Comment #201884 by mikecbraun on June 30, 2008 at 11:20 am

I resent that. I have seen neither "Ghost Rider" nor "National Treasure." Here's a secret: I hate Nicolas Cage. Like you, I used to be a huge comics fan, and Ghost Rider was my favorite. Benjamin Franklin was a mind exercise--first guy I could come up with... Anyway, we're so far off-topic, it's almost as zany as the gist of this article.

15. Who Was More Important: Lincoln or Darwin?

Comment #201880 by mikecbraun on June 30, 2008 at 11:14 am

Lincoln, coz he done kickt the Confed'racy's ass! Yeeeeeee-haw! Ahem, sorry. I don't see the point of the comparison either. One, a great statesman. The other, a great scientist and philosopher. It's like comparing apples and nipples. And Sciros, Benjamin Franklin & Ghost Rider would whip both of those teams you came up with. Lightning, fire, and chains my friend!

16. Charles Darwin was not the father of atheism

Comment #201825 by mikecbraun on June 30, 2008 at 9:47 am

Duh...everyone knows that the father of atheism was Roger Atheism, who invented atheism in his basement in 1943 in Skokie, Illinois.

17. Aliens need Christ's redemption, too

Comment #201763 by mikecbraun on June 30, 2008 at 8:28 am

Sciros...
I said almost! Professional wrestling still edges religion for silliness in several categories just due to the spandex panties. And the almost complete lack of body hair on any of the participants. And the pyrotechnics and bad soap opera dialogue. And...ad infinitum.

18. Aliens need Christ's redemption, too

Comment #201719 by mikecbraun on June 30, 2008 at 7:04 am

All I can say is...hahahahahahahaha! What kind of an idiot actually thinks about this shit? Never mind all of the pressing problems on Earth, let's figure out how we'll approach the evangelizing of alien life forms if/when we find them! These people are unintentionally hilarious and I await more of their side-splitting material. People give them money, too! It's almost as ridiculous and hilarious an idea as professional wrestling.

19. Band T-shirt draws charge

Comment #199358 by mikecbraun on June 25, 2008 at 3:09 pm

So would the shirt I have my sights set on buying, which depicts the last supper and has the caption, "Sausage Fest," be in the same vein? Because I've been debating getting the shirt (for monetary reasons, not due to worry about offending some douchebags) but if I knew it was going to really cause undies to be knotted up in bunches, I'd buy it in a heartbeat.

20. The Flea Delusion

Comment #198765 by mikecbraun on June 24, 2008 at 1:00 pm

....And our father's father's father! And our father's father's father's father!

21. George W Bush meets Pope amid claims he might convert to Catholicism

Comment #193663 by mikecbraun on June 15, 2008 at 10:05 pm

MPhil:
You don't like Sauerkraut? At least tell me you like Rotkohl. If you tell me you don't like Rouladen and Rotkohl, this could get ugly. I might have to buy you a plane ticket to Minnesota so you can try the good stuff--mine. On a side note, should I capitalize all nouns when typing in German? I forgot that part. I think it's time to go to bed, because as I read my posts, I seem to alternate between abusive, conciliatory, stand-offish, humorous, and inquisitive. One would think I need some lithium. Bed time.

22. George W Bush meets Pope amid claims he might convert to Catholicism

Comment #193655 by mikecbraun on June 15, 2008 at 9:55 pm

I know you weren't implying that I'm a jackass, although you'd be right to. I am. I just am unsure where being forced into something ends and personal responsibility begins. Not necessarily in this case, but in others similar, such as enlisting in the armed forces then being ordered to carry out actions against your convictions. I thought my little post about lederhosen and such was funny, and I hoped someone else would too. Did it work?

*I should also clarify that I'm aware that Copenhagen is in Denmark, not Germany. They just had instructions in several European languages (of course). My American public school education was just fine, even the geography part.

23. George W Bush meets Pope amid claims he might convert to Catholicism

Comment #193652 by mikecbraun on June 15, 2008 at 9:52 pm

If I joined my local Nazi party, then tried explaining to my friends and coworkers that I am not a Nazi, how well do you think that would work out for me? Just curious. I'm guessing not too well.

24. George W Bush meets Pope amid claims he might convert to Catholicism

Comment #193644 by mikecbraun on June 15, 2008 at 9:47 pm

My joke loses force if I'm not allowed to call Ratzinger a Nazi, too. Be aware, MPhil, that I'm not one of those people who thinks lederhosen and Hitler when someone mentions Germany. My family is German, ich habe fur funf jahren Deutsch studiert (I don't know if that's even close--it's been awhile), my uncle is a German professor, I eat sauerkraut with glee and make fun of those who don't. I even got excited that my hotel room in Copenhagen had a hosenbugler, until I realized this was just a pants press.

25. George W Bush meets Pope amid claims he might convert to Catholicism

Comment #193638 by mikecbraun on June 15, 2008 at 9:40 pm

Being in the Hitler Jugend, whether by choice or not, would make one a Nazi. Just like being in the Boy Scouts, whether by choice or not, would make one a Boy Scout. You can dress up a pig, but it's still a pig.

26. George W Bush meets Pope amid claims he might convert to Catholicism

Comment #193539 by mikecbraun on June 15, 2008 at 7:44 pm

catskill makes a good point. The rest of us suckers have to start paying to check in bags and shell out two bucks for a thimble-full of coke, but the president can go jet-setting all over the face of the Earth for this kind of b.s.? Hey Bush--don't ever mention responsible energy use and energy conservation again, not when you're wasting hundreds of gallons of fuel to go talk to an elderly Nazi who sits around in his bathrobe and carries a jeweled sceptre about ways to further your relationship with an imaginary man in the sky. It just doesn't jive with 21st-century reality, man.

27. George W Bush meets Pope amid claims he might convert to Catholicism

Comment #193483 by mikecbraun on June 15, 2008 at 5:16 pm

In other news, George Bush got a tattoo of a Jolly Roger on his left pec, so Tony Blair is considering what he will get. Sources say he is most likely to choose a butterfly on the small of his back, which will be visible when he wears a tube top in summer.

28. Blogger spreads the gospel of science

Comment #189546 by mikecbraun on June 6, 2008 at 12:58 pm

I thought all of the Brits here would be interested (and a bit queasy) to know that near my town of Rochester, we have Dover, Hampton, Hastings, and Caledonia (amongst others). All of these towns are heavily populated by right-wing Christian yokels who only know Shakespeare as a fishing pole brand.

29. Blogger spreads the gospel of science

Comment #189536 by mikecbraun on June 6, 2008 at 12:39 pm

There once was a sailor from Kent
that had a p**** so long that it bent.
So to save himself trouble
he put it in double
and instead of c***** he went.

30. Blogger spreads the gospel of science

Comment #189378 by mikecbraun on June 6, 2008 at 6:40 am

"...former Kent boy..."
"...small branch campus..."
Ah, look at the tiny little atheist! Isn't he cute? Maybe one day he'll join us big people and believe in mature things like God and Jesus and resurrection! Little atheist--look at him and everything he's associated with. It's so miniscule! Not grand, spanning the far reaches of time and space like our Lord!
This is the impression I get from little digs like this. The atheist is supposed to seem petty and small-minded, while the theist is such a deep-thinking, wordly person. More often than not, it is the other way around. Also, the size of the institution does not matter as much as the size of the minds it produces. Obviously, Morris is not as big as the Mpls./St. Paul branch of the U of M, but we can see that it arguably has the better biologists! And fuck Kent, I live in Rochester (Minnesota). Deal with that. We might even have a few people named Dickens!

31. Karma comedians

Comment #186932 by mikecbraun on May 31, 2008 at 9:18 pm

ricey, I have to stomach frequent visits from the Dalai Lama himself in my home town. Everyone nearly shits themselves when his visits are announced. He floats in on a golden cloud and gives talks to Mayo Clinic doctors, like he has something important to add to the work of some of the brightest medical minds in the world (and not just give them an excuse to get out of work for an hour and brag about being in his holy presence). Jeez, at least put on pants if you're going to preach to the heavyweights. Big hitter, the Lama. Long...

32. Karma comedians

Comment #186890 by mikecbraun on May 31, 2008 at 4:31 pm

Mitchell Gilks asks why we should give a shit about what a celebrity says. I can see where you're coming from. I would revise that to say who cares what some unlearned celebrity who is only being asked or giving their opinion due to their status thinks? There are worldly, wise celebrities now and throughout history whose opinions I value. Examples would include John Lennon, Ian MacKaye, Michael Palin, Hemingway, etc. Just wanted to throw that in there. I think there's a big difference between well-read, thinking celebrities who are guarded and delicate with their statements and run-of-the-mill dunce celebrities who feel they can run their mouths off because of how much they earn (sorry if that word offends any real, hard-working people).

33. Karma comedians

Comment #186772 by mikecbraun on May 31, 2008 at 9:40 am

To be more serious, what does the media expect when they stick a microphone under the beak of a celebrity, especially one not known for their wisdom and elegance? We've got Sharon Stone giving her musings on China and Tibet, since she is the first person I would go to for more enlightenment on the subject; we've got minor celebrities opposing Michael J. Fox and stem cell research during the World Series, since minor celebrities are on the cutting edge of revolutionary medical research; and then we have the mental Colossus, Alicia Keys, proposing that gangsta rap was devised (by The Man?) to keep black America violent and that 2Pac was a great civil rights leader who was assassinated (by The Man?). I don't remember reading about Dr. King pouring malt liquor on stripper's behinds and packing heat, but who knows, maybe 2Pac was a great community leader--if Al Sharpton can be considered as such, anyone can. Of course the media know exactly what kind of soundbyte they're going to get from these idiots, and that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, they like it. Joe Sixpack has opinions that are just as whacky, but since he doesn't make $25 million for each pile of crap he produces, we have to hear someone like Richard Gere's version instead.

34. Karma comedians

Comment #186762 by mikecbraun on May 31, 2008 at 9:19 am

I thought the China situation was due to them giving all of the good energy away through fortune cookies, and not keeping any for themselves! Anyway, keep an eye out for dangerous, petite TV cooks who wear scarves that look like terrorist headwear. They can strike at any time, and may cause earthquakes and hurricanes, especially if they prefer members of their own sex.

35. How Are Humans Unique?

Comment #185323 by mikecbraun on May 27, 2008 at 12:52 pm

Rod the Farmer and AoClay:
Of course that is wrong. Has the author not heard the term "to ape?" A chimp can show its child how to fish for termites with a branch, and the child trusts that if it does the same, the result will be a tasty snack. Here's the real answer to the question begged by the article's title...
Q: How are humans unique?
A: Despite the lack of good answers to this question, they can still devote untold hours to it in the desperate hope that something, anything, will come to light to show how much better we are than nonhuman primates!
Or, if you prefer...
Q: How are humans unique?
A: Frisbee golf.

36. Top 6 Incestuous Relationships In The Bible

Comment #185320 by mikecbraun on May 27, 2008 at 12:41 pm

Diacanu-
Suddenly it's all so clear. Thanks! But the answers bring up one more question: why didn't God skip all the subtle insults and mucky-muck and just mold us out of feces? Out with it, man!

37. Top 6 Incestuous Relationships In The Bible

Comment #185290 by mikecbraun on May 27, 2008 at 11:25 am

I know it will have been touched upon, but the rational question just begs to be asked again: why was incest the only way that humans could spread on Earth? If an all-powerful God could create two humans, why could He not create a whole bunch that could breed new humans without any incest occurring? Just when you think the ideas that come from religion can't get any more idiotic... I feel like Michael Corleone from Godfather III (inferior, yes; good quote, also yes). "Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in!"

38. Repulsive but right

Comment #184520 by mikecbraun on May 25, 2008 at 2:46 pm

"...deliberately arrogant and childishly offensive"? That's a perfect way to describe most religious people and their views! I would say that Richard is one of the most humble, eager to teach and eager to learn people in the public spotlight (unlike his opponents). His harshest critics need to get a little more bulletproof, as it seems they are offended by remarks and comments that are not and should not be offensive at all.

39. Pop Goes Christianity

Comment #183297 by mikecbraun on May 21, 2008 at 7:08 pm

@JFHalsey:
I would say that U2 is openly Christian, since Bono is a big Catholic. But there's good music and shite music. As long as it's not pushing some openly evangelical message, it's probably not going to be too cloying. For instance, Bob Dylan's "Masters of War" is a great song even though it relies on a mention of Jesus to hammer a point home. I like music that goes on that deep spiritual search, as long as it comes up for air every once in a while, if you know what I mean. To me there's quite a difference between, say, Pearl Jam, with their introspective lyrics and worldview grounded in reality, and their bizarro-clones Creed, with the singer holding a Christ pose in every shot and singing lyrics that sound like they were written by a Sunday school teacher. No wonder the guy ended up wandering around drunk in an airport.

40. Surviving an unholy school war

Comment #182643 by mikecbraun on May 20, 2008 at 5:55 pm

What does everyone here think about the possibility that most parents knew damn well that these beatings were taking place, and this was a (perhaps major) contributing factor in the decision to send their children to Catholic school? In other words, they didn't want the guilt that comes along with whacking a child with a leather strap or a bat, so they could have the priests do it for them and send them home as quivering mounds of jello who were afraid of their own shadows--and also unwilling to talk back or disobey their parents. Am I onto something?

41. Surviving an unholy school war

Comment #182640 by mikecbraun on May 20, 2008 at 5:48 pm

"...But in the town it was well-known when they got home at night, their fat and psychopathic wives would thrash them within inches of their lives..."

42. Indian village proud after double 'honor killing'

Comment #181539 by mikecbraun on May 17, 2008 at 11:38 am

In a way it's a sort of natural selection, but the innocent offspring have to suffer when it would be much more desirable for the parent(s) (usually fathers in these cases more than mothers) to off themselves. How poorly is a brain functioning, a brain that is the product of natural selection, which is a process that "wishes" to spread its genes to the next generation, and then turns around and kills off the recipient of the genes it wanted to spread for survival purposes? It's just confusing. This is a sort of natural parody worthy of Monty Python.

43. Pop Goes Christianity

Comment #181535 by mikecbraun on May 17, 2008 at 11:25 am

Just when I thought that there could be no idea more zany and ludicrous than professional wrestling, I read about Christian professional wrestling. My mind instantly boggled at the comedic possibilities. Is there a priest character who gets excited over the tight man-panties his opponent is wearing and tries to put him in the full Father Nelson? Is there a character who chastizes the others for their violent ways? Do they have a story arc where the head good guy winds up being caught on tape snorting meth off a male prostitute's back and he becomes the biggest bad guy in the biz?

44. 'Spiritual' dentist fined $10,000

Comment #180672 by mikecbraun on May 15, 2008 at 1:58 pm

"The patient leaves feeling different and knowing that they have been touched by Jesus Christ," Dr Gardner said in his letter.

That would explain the sores and blisters. Sorry, but I could not resist. This reminds me of the Seinfeld where Jerry's dentist and his assistant always appear to be putting their clothes back on when he wakes up from the gas.
If people want to be "touched by Jesus Christ," there are several different churches that exist for that express purpose (supposedly). One does not go to the dentist for spiritual guidance for much the same reason that one does not go to the laundromat to purchase a hamster.

45. Americans pray at the pump for cheaper petrol

Comment #180670 by mikecbraun on May 15, 2008 at 1:49 pm

I've got an idea for the most powerful, (somewhat) clean, renewable energy source around: the hot air that comes out of religious peoples' mouths, especially the official figureheads. Someone get to work on harnessing that right away. I'll split the profits with you.

46. Americans pray at the pump for cheaper petrol

Comment #179594 by mikecbraun on May 13, 2008 at 12:20 pm

I'm praying to Anubis to allow me to afford a Mercury Mariner hybrid. Hopefully he's not too busy weighing the dead's hearts against a feather and embalming them for their journey through the afterlife to help me. Oh jackal-headed one, hear my cries...

47. Americans pray at the pump for cheaper petrol

Comment #179583 by mikecbraun on May 13, 2008 at 12:15 pm

I submitted this article about a month ago when it was the top story on Yahoo. You have to hand it to Yahoo, they are always breaking the important stories: six ways to not get fired; idiots praying at the pump; turtle gives birth to werewolf. Of course the prices will eventually come down a bit, and of course these whackos will give credit to Jesus instead of simple economics.

48. 'My daughter deserved to die for falling in love'

Comment #178639 by mikecbraun on May 11, 2008 at 7:53 pm

Re: comment #178562 by Cartomancer.
My bad. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I guess it was naive of me to think that these peoples' ignorance and barbarism would be restricted to the fairer sex only and I am not surprised. It does seem that the violence towards women is more vehement, or maybe it's just reported more often than the violence against males. Either way, it's inexcusable, despicable and must stop.

49. 'My daughter deserved to die for falling in love'

Comment #178557 by mikecbraun on May 11, 2008 at 3:32 pm

As the father of a beautiful young daughter who hopes she grows up and falls in love with a man, a woman, a plank of wood, whatever makes her happy, and that she enjoys everything this life has to offer her without having the fear of punishment or death hanging over her head for doing so, I would like to say that I hope someone with some real honor and manhood tears this guy apart like a fried chicken. Coward, piece of shit, disgrace to the human race...these names don't even scratch the surface for this scumbag. Guess what? It's the religion and the belief structure that is condoned by it that allows these sorts of things to happen. There are never any sons who are "disgraces" that we read about.

50. Atheists are nice people who will roast in hell, says Cardinal

Comment #178196 by mikecbraun on May 10, 2008 at 8:21 pm

Hope I wasn't counted as one of the people who took this seriously... As Richard implied (in my interpretation), the satire has teeth because it seems to be what these people are really trying to say without saying it. It's like telling someone to stop doing something or they'll "be sorry." It's a threat without a direct threat, therefore, it is not a punishable offense. The religions of the world have a strange relationship with one another and with the nonreligious, because they all believe everyone else is doomed to damnation, but they can't just come out and say it, at least not the more mainstream mouthpieces. They have to imply it and then act offended when someone digs deeper and uncovers the (not-so-) hidden meaning in their statements.