Converts, Wed, Jan 30 2013 #(1002)

Jan 30, 2013

I’ve just watched Dr. Dawkin’s university lecture on The God Delusion. My mind is racing with possibility, apprehension, optimism and proposition. Having yet to read any of his works, I will attempt to record my current state of perception and curiosity to serve as a control / comparison. Will his studies answer any of my questions? If so, will they serve to pacify innately human need to indulge in some sort of spirituality? Will my own perceptions generate uncharted discussion?

I am a man who has always been torn between the relative safety of Christianity, and the absolute certainty and lure of reality. Since childhood I have craved the pursuit of knowledge, untethered by religion.

For years I have pondered and wished for a marriage of the supernatural and reality. The roadblocks and incompatibilities have far outnumbered any successes or explanation.

My presumption of Dr. Dawkin’s motivation is that it’s more than that of someone who’s out to sell books and made quite a fortune doing so (we all must eat after all). I identify with his higher functioning mind and sheer determination. They have exposed marvelous realizations… highly publicized no doubt!

My educations pales in comparison to that which was afforded and earned by Dr. Dawkins, but it has been quite enough to firmly root me in reality with all of its wonder and uncertainty. I have always felt like a child who’s prematurely discovered the myth of Santa Claus. I often walk this earth and live my life in a state of relative mourning…how bitter and cold it can be outside the "delusion."

I have no book to sell…no persuasion of the masses, and no agenda very far from what exists as something intensely personal. Therefore…unlike Dr. Dawkins, I tend to be protective and respectful of the religious folks around me. It is frustrating…resisting the urge to enlighten…to explain the concept of time, space, and the inadvertent adaptations and forces necessary for us to have evolved to our present state of being. Knowledge I believe in wholly because it is factual, observable…measurable. Still…I feel I must spare them.

Embracing knowledge has forever separated me from the warmer whole of society. With as little condescension as possible…I feel like a lonely scholar, standing alone at the hilltop of knowledge. Forever missing the company of others below. The familiarity, confidence, and comfort of my former self. Like them, I’d squatted, slackjawed within the never-changing confines of the campfire of existing knowledge…probing at a coal or two with a stick…howling in surprise and joy each time it produced its predictable reward…a dim shower of sparks.

Gone is that warmth…that joy…that company. Brilliant are the rewards of my modern probing, and delightfully unpredictable. Soft are my former convictions, but I now feel as if I can count on virtually nothing. Uncertainty rules…and the only path for me now it to quench my thirst with the only thing I have left.

I must strive for a higher hilltop. Fill my mind with more. Perhaps there is something warm, waiting for me in the heavens of knowledge. Or perhaps…I have opened Pandora’s box.

We shall see!


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