I am a 26 years old. Costa Rican.
Even though I was born in an pentecostalist evangelical Christian home I remember sitting breathless while watching Cosmos with my dad. On the other hand I remember my mother dragging me to church every sunday.
I grew up listening from her phrases like: “You have to go to church and praise God, you´re not an animal”. Eventually I “accepted” Jesus as my saviour when I was 14. However, it has always been a battle in my mind. I have always gone through periods in which I no doubt believe that God is actually with me and periods in which I am like “what is this nonsense???”.
In the past two weeks I have decided to give up religion but I am under a lot of stress. My wife she is a believer in Jesus. I know she would understand me but as for my mother. I am 100% sure she would totally stop talking to me should she find out. Two siblings of mine are music ministers in the church. Most of my friends also are fervent tithe-giving pentecostal evangelical christians also.
I feel like a closet-non believer. Afraid of being free. Also, the ideas I grew up with… they cause so much guilt. What if I am wrong???? But then, what if they are wrong???? Just the thinking about this makes me feel guilty. They say it´s the word of God convincing me of Sin, but then the rational part of me says this is only the program they implanted me with at work.
I wish I lived in a place where no one knew me so I could express freely how stupid I feel at church praying to a being that does not exist.
Thanks for your time if you read this. And if you no longer need these stories, well, thanks anyway. I will read your God´s Delusion book, maybe I will fall off from the fence on the right side.