No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus! The Fundamentalist Christian faces the death of her ‘Santa’.
Dear Richard, I just asked my 5 year old grandchild (who has never been to a church) ‘Who is God?’ He looked at me very strange and said: ”What are you talking about?” My heart sank. If he had even said – He’s the big man in the sky, I would hold tight to the one string that keeps me hangin’ on.
I know that my 30 year search for this ‘good’ god’ is almost over, and yet I still can’t seem to come out of the closet and admit it to anyone – let alone myself. I want someone to prove you guys all wrong, and yet I know in my heart – that isn’t going to happen.
My search started a few years ago after I read a book written by Charles Templeton (who was Billy Grahams dearest friend) called; ‘Farewell To God – My Reasons For Rejecting The Christian Faith’. His book answered just about every question that I ever asked when I belonged to the church but they could and would not answer. I even went as far as having 3 conversations with him before he died and he sent me his autographed book.
‘They’ (the church) told me to just have faith. It scared me so much, because I knew at that point, my faith was starting to die. It was like discovering that there is no Santa.
I have bargained, begged, cried, screamed and ‘prayed’ for God to give me the ‘sign’ that ‘he’ exists and it has not happened. I have prayed to ‘him’ in agony; ‘Do you see that you are ready to lose me – Don’t you care??’
I have gone as far as leaving letters to ‘him’ under my pillow (to reveal himself to me in a dream) so ‘he’ could see how sincere I am! How’s that for being crazy?
Sincere is what I have been! And I’m damn angry now!
I started to study websites like ‘evil bible.com’ and ‘Why God won’t heal amputees?’ I have dabbled with the law of attraction, psychics,astrology, energy fields, and every new age ‘thing’ a person could try.
Then along came you. Now I read everything I can get my hands on; every YouTube,every lecture, every article you have written.Hundreds of hours looking at ‘the other side’.
If I ever even dreamt that I would be writing this letter – The girl who studied her bible for years – I would have told you that the devil had complete control of me!
One of your readers summed up my whole 30 year old questioning, when she said:
1) God is All Powerful
2) God is All Good
3) Evil Exists
I tried and tried and tried to make sense of this for all these years. I have heard horror stories of ‘suffering’ even within our own community (let alone the whole world) and I always asked this God ; ”Why-Why-Why, can’t you do something?? Can you not see what’s happening down here?” Can’t you see how cruel nature can be? Don’t you see what all these ‘Holy Books’ are doing to people down here? Can’t you see the rapes, murders – the insanity of it all?
I cannot say a word yet. I am silent. I am stunned. I am not quite sure where to go from here. I ask myself; ‘O.K. – so you don’t believe in God anymore – now what? How sad to think that I may not see my mother, father and only sister in the afterlife. How does an ex. believer deal with this? It was my only hope, when it came time for my own painful death.
Richard – we need a support group for this. Help us please. I must admit ,my searching is not over. I will continue to see if I can find the ‘One God of the Universe’,but I know deep down inside – even if I did find ‘him’ – I would ask – why have you made the world this way? Until then, I am starting to accept – No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus! I will learn to make peace with this somehow.
Thank you so much Richard! I appreciate you!
Note From Poster: For any one reading this message and have the same feeling I would like to post some information with permission form the writer.
The following link is to an organization (Recovering from Religion) that helps people set up local groups. The point of the groups is to help people through their loss of religion. I will let the site talk for it self but I hope it help those who need it.