The Lonely Apostate , Converts, Tue, Jan 29 2013 #(1317)

Jan 29, 2013

Dear Mr Dawkins,I’m not a new convert, not at all. I think I’ve secretly known that religion was false ever since I was at least 18. I tried to convince myself at first that I was wrong. But for the last 3 years, I’ve stopped lying to myself. After what seemed like an entire lifetime of suffering and feeling depressed, I have finally found happiness. Mostly due to my wife and our little family, but party because I stopped lying to myself. But as days go by, I feel myself being pulled back into that spiral of depression. This letter here; I’m writing this because they banned Facebook in Pakistan, which happens to be where I am from. What’s depressing isn’t the fact that only a handful of people actually said it was wrong, what’s depressing is that the people who said it was wrong to block Facebook are making up excuses OTHER than then the most obvious one (i.e you can’t possibly disrespect someone who’se been dead for about 1500 years). And the reason? The govenrment; it’s APPARENTLY watching us all. APPARENTLY, they’ll find out whoever clicked on “those horrendous pictures” and register a legal case against them. Probably under the blasphemy law. It’s depressing. And sometimes I can’t go on any more. I don’t lie to myself anymore, but I lie to everyone else 10 times more than I used to. And it’s started to get me depressed. Maybe worse than I have ever been before. You see, especially after the fact that I’ve got a family now, I’m just scared. I’m just scared someone who doesn’t like me can easily just stand up and accuse me for being a blasphemer, and have me hanged by my balls until I turn green and wither away. I am depressed because I am scared.Yet, I know the truth. Or at least what I think is the truth. And I can’t unlearn whatever I did learn. And I can’t switch my brain off and not worry and get depressed. I can just wish no one finds out.Your biggest fan in Pakistan,The Apostate
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