How to Elect a Pope *and* Get Higher Ratings


Tradition is important to the Catholic Church, but even the Church sometimes changes procedures when it becomes beneficial to do so. With that in mind, I propose blending the current method of choosing a pope with the method adopted by another venerable tradition that has been mostly scandal free. I speak, of course, of the Miss America Pageant.

Since the pageant began in 1945, there have been 92 Miss Americas chosen, but only 4 popes elected. The first Miss America, Bess Myerson, was a Jew as was Peter, considered by the Church to be the first Pope. And, of course, Jesus was also a Jew. Another interesting similarity is that throngs of adoring fans follow Miss America for as long as she reigns, just as adoring Catholics do the pope. There are Miss America protesters just as there are pope protestors, but both have learned to handle protesters by disarming them with a smile and a hand wave.

So here is my proposed procedure for electing future popes.

To maintain tradition, we allow the cardinals — to be explicit, I mean the Catholic prelates, not the baseball team — to narrow the pope vote down to ten candidates. Then we bring in a panel of non-cardinal and non-clerical judges for the real business of choosing the next pope.

Since papal attire is just as important and elaborate as Miss America attire, the ten finalist cardinals will parade in front of the judges wearing their traditional outrageous costumes. We absolutely want our next pope to look stylish in his uniform.

Then the ten finalists will display a papal talent. For example, one might perform an exorcism on stage. Another might bring out a bottle of wine and turn it into blood.

Written By: Herb Silverman
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  1. Jay Leno last night:

    White smoke means they have chosen a new pope, Black smoke means they haven’t decided, Grey smoke means they are burning evidence!

  2. In reply to #2 by kathol:

    Jay Leno last night:White smoke means they have chosen a new pope, Black smoke means they haven’t decided, Grey smoke means they are burning evidence!

    On a related note, I think I’ve just figured out where the white ‘smoke’ originates from – all steam rooms have a vent in them somewhere!

  3. My hobbies are disco dancing, helping little old ladies across the road, and anything that involves hanging around young children. My ambition is to be Gods representative here on earth, and to rid the world of the evil that is contraception, I have waited a lifetime for this opportunity (one and a half average lifetimes actually). If my feet fit the ruby slippers I shall go to the Ball.

  4. They need an outrageous dogma category for papal talent as well as miracles like holding back the sea, flying without the aid of technology. Perhaps they could borrow from islam?

  5. I personally believe people should keep irrational beliefs to themselves, such as gay hating and sexism and such. Oh shit did i just blow my chances of being pope.

  6. In reply to #7 by bluebird:

    And we have a winner – down Argentine way

    The average life expectancy of male argentinians is 71.52 and this one is 76.

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