Caption Contest: Noah

Apr 28, 2014

Here is the winner of our Noah’s Ark caption contest! It was no easy choice but the caption that made us laugh the most was:
 


1. If Jerry Coyne were Noah. – samitchell79

We were all impressed with our runners up, too. Thanks for giving everyone at RDF and its readers a good laugh.

2. "I don't know. God said something about needing them for the Internet." – beckworth

3. "Look, when we first set afloat there were two. Honestly." – Emma C. Williams

 

 

Written By: RDFRS

590 comments on “Caption Contest: Noah

  • I knew that cats hated water… But really, we’re limited to two of each kind!

  • 10
    Barracius says:

    Only when the first raindrops came did Noah realize God did not mean 2 of every species of every animal.

  • 12
    beckworth says:

    “I don’t know. God said something about needing them for the Internet.”

  • 13
    beckworth says:

    “If God’s so smart, why didn’t he say anything about a litter box?”

  • 14
    beckworth says:

    The Old Testament God was a crazy cat lady, but the New Testament God is totally different.

  • 20
    hemidemisemigod says:
    And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. 
    Every son had seven wives;
    Every wife had seven sacks; 
    Every sack had seven cats;
    Every cat had seven kits.
    Kits, cats, wives and sons,
    Just how big is a cubit anyway?
    
  • 23
    Mickey Droy says:

    There’s not a cat in hell… …’s chance that it will rain for forty days and forty nights

  • 28
    Steven007 says:

    “Did we really need to stop at the ladies house at the end of the dirt road before embarking?”

  • 30
    thisisradiofreedom says:

    Once Noah had collected all the different “kinds” of cats there was no room left.

  • Whose stupid plan was this? The boat is practically full and we’re not even done with the family of cats!

  • 32
    Steven007 says:

    And so it was that Noah’s cat fetish changed the course of human history.

  • 36
    Steven007 says:

    God, that’s a lot of freakin’ cats! I thought you said two of each kind not two of each breed…

  • 39
    aquilacane says:

    I should never have doubted you, Noah. Only the Lord could master so many cats.

  • Wow, this IS really a miracle… herding all those atheist cats… not even Dawkins could have managed that!

  • 45
    Alan4discussion says:

    The ark-angel told you to go-fer-wood because it was going to rain cats and gods?? No Ah!!!!!!

  • Relax! 5000 years is plenty of time for them to evolve into every imaginable type of beast.

  • 50
    bluebird says:

    In reply to #41 by beckworth:

    “What can I say? God loves Chinese food.”

    Cats don’t like leashes, only dogs can be wokked (or so I’ve heard).

  • Creationist explanation for why we do not find fossil cats in the Precambrian

  • 53
    Mr DArcy says:

    And Noah, wise man that he was, wondered where to park the snow leopards, the lynxes, and the black panthers. The Highland Wild Cat was also a problem. As for that poxy Schrodinger’s cat, he would have to go into a box and take his chances.

  • 55
    Alan4discussion says:

    In reply to #13 by beckworth:

    “If God’s so smart, why didn’t he say anything about a litter box?”

    Noah built one that floated – but that was just a crappy mistake he spotted afterwards!
    Why else would he choose to be out in the wind, rain, and in the open air for 40 days as shown?

  • 59
    Castilliano says:

    When you said “opposite of ‘dog’ I thought you meant…never mind.”

  • 62
    Stuart Coyle says:

    “What if Noah were actually Jerry Coyne instead? (The Drosophilia are too small too see.)”

  • 64
    Bob Springsteen says:

    And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was sexually corrupt; and God said unto Noah, make me an ark. And the Devil went behind God’s back and filled it with pussy.

  • Secretly a cat lover his whole life, Noah interpreted the phrase “two of each kind” to mean “two of each kind of cat”

  • 72
    Adam Pearse says:

    “Noah dear, that is the last time I leave you in charge of roll call.”

  • 74
    Adam Pearse says:

    “Now that you mention it, this will look pretty far fetched in a few thousand years.”

  • And lo… it came to pass that Noah (as Adam before him, and the many who came after) said “Yes dear, whatever you say dear.”… and verily, God was not chuffed.

  • Just think honey, thousands of years from now single women over forty will be thankful we did this!

  • 81
    AdOculos says:

    Typical! They were all on Mr and Mrs Gilgamesh’s Ark before they heard the tin-opener.

  • 83
    IchyKnowall says:

    So the voicemail said “gather the animals and set sail for the “important cats trophy” right? You’re certain it didn’t say ‘impending catastrophe’?

  • 86
    OliverJonCross says:

    In six hundred years prior to the great flood, Noah amassed a serious amount of pussy.

  • 88
    paulmcuk says:

    “Noah, when I said we needed to bring plenty of pussy so that our sons could repopulate the earth…”

  • 91
    Chiarasac says:

    “..Noah and Emzara obviously did not consider the speed at which the 2 cats would reproduce considering that unlike the rabbits they would not be eaten for dinner… “

  • I knew you’d like this Emzara.I just made the whole god conversation thing up because you’d never go out on a boat with me otherwise…

  • 94
    kerosene2 says:

    … and so we thought, why not heed Noah’s warning, but fill our arks with viable breeding populations?

  • 97
    justasec says:

    Really Noah — you wanted a dream vacation so you prayed for a cruise on a floating cat house!?

  • 98
    quarecuss says:

    There was once a whoahmonger Noah
    Whose cathouse was crowded for shoah
    So just for a lark
    He built them a bark
    Now offshoah there’s pussy galoah.

  • 99
    phil rimmer says:

    Now, Noah, are you sure it was God you were talking to? And what the heck are all those cheeseburger things we had to pack?

  • 100
    Light Wave says:

    Are we there yet ?
    I’m not sure – I cant seem to find the Dove…..

  • 101
    Snickers Man says:

    Noah -Yes dear “two of each” were his words, but that does not trump my god given free will. Now, did you put the woodworm where they won’t get nommed?
    Sinful, lesser being – Yip, I put them deep in the hold.
    Noah – Good, now get to the kitchen, your chain will show the way. Before this situation gets very ugly, I’ think you’d better make a BIG cheeseburger, about four cubits in diameter should do.
    Sinful, lesser being – Do you want to go large on that Sir.
    Noah – Ha-Ha, and Yahweh told me you women had not a whit of wit.
    Sinful, lesser being – I can’t find the salt, where’s the effin salt? Did you remember to bring it? Or were you perhaps too busy with the whole drunk and naked thing again?
    Noah – Wow! You just can’t let that go can you. Look! It would take just one prayer to my sky misogynist and you’d be turned into a f******g pillar of the stuff. Women, huh, can’t sail with them… If you need me I’ll be, erm, upwind.

  • 102
    zearottm says:

    Unbeknownst to the majority of biblical scholars, an alternate version of The Book of Noah survives to this day, which is taught as gospel in remote parts of the Appalachian Mountains and Japan.

  • 105
    Cantaz says:

    21st century version of the flood myth, in which God commands Noah to build the ark and save all the fat cats of Wall Street…

  • 106
    crookedshoes says:

    No No No I said “round up a bunch of POSSES and go capture two of every animal.”

  • 107
    All About Meme says:

    Maybe God does reveal things to Noah, because the cat costumes on those two poor dogs were flawless.

  • 108
    All About Meme says:

    Alternate:

    Yes, honey, land is in sight! One more day and we can peel off these wet cat costumes and issue the barks heard round the world.

  • 109
    mistermac says:

    Preparing for a life after boating, Noah’s lifelong dream of breeding cats would go unrecorded.

  • 111
    Blackadder says:

    I wonder which ones will evolve into dinosaurs and which ones will evolve into sheep.

  • If I’d known you were going to bring your pets I would have stayed at home.

  • Ground control to Ginger Tom, put your helmet on and help me clear up this sh@p

  • 118
    Perry Bulwer says:

    Noah to his wife: “I told you we shouldn’t have left without the dog, ma.”

  • 122
    Matthew Nolan says:

    For God’s sake, don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining!

  • 126
    AdOculos says:

    Listen! We only need 2 cats. We can throw the rest into the water. Shouldn’t be too difficult!

  • 127
    dwzepp says:

    Well smart-guy, you solved the genetic bottleneck problem for felines, but what about the Sauropods???

  • 128
    mccuepaul1 says:

    ‘I told you not to worry, cute kitten videos on youTube will fund this “Ark” thingy you say we need.’

  • 130
    david.graf.589 says:

    God realized that he had failed to eradicate evil from the world when the evidence was abundant that a pair of cats had snuck onto the ark.

  • 131
    toastygod says:

    It was then Noah realized that cats must be gods because they also “magically” created a whole population from just two specimens in a secluded, floating garden.

  • 132
    Thomas, the Smart Apostle says:

    You’d think an omniscient god would tell his servant to pack some yarn.

  • 136
    toastygod says:

    “Well see, the kids are going to need some kind of companion after God destroys all of their potential non-incestuous mates.”

  • 138
    Mrs. k Gust says:

    “Yes,yes that was when I visited China. Cat fried rice. Haven’t you heard of it?”

  • 139
    toastygod says:

    And God said, “Look at all the widdle faces! How can I pick just two? Screw it, all the kitties on the boat! Humans, I still hate you. Get cuter or go die in a fire…er…flood.”

  • 141
    Dr,Dave says:

    God, this is Noah. So what did you expect with two of each kind for 40 days and 40 nights?

  • 143
    mason.kelsey says:

    Noah, suddenly realized it was “two of every kind of creature” instead of “two of every kind of cat”. But it was too late.

  • 146
    Bob Springsteen says:

    Although it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, the water companies still imposed a hosepipe ban.

  • 150
    Brian 960 says:

    And Fluffy begat Snowball, and Snowball begat Mr. Whiskers, and Mr. Whiskers begat Shadow, and Shadow begat Misty, and Misty… .

  • 151
    Cantaz says:

    Newly discovered archeological evidence suggests God may be a cat person!

    (picture above shows a reproduction of a petroglyph found at an undisclosed location in Kentucky)

  • 154
    Aphetorusbull says:

    No honey, this is just the test run God told me he plans on actually using frogs against Pharaoh eventually… Count your blessings at least the cats are fluffy, oooh watch your step.

  • 155
    TracyF says:

    Noah dear, the good news is we’ve settled the rodent problem,

    the bad news is, we’re out of kitty-litter…

  • 158
    david smith says:

    If I told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. Stop talking to that imaginary friend of yours!

  • 164
    andersemil says:

    “I know what God told me, dear, but frankly he’s been pissing me off lately, what with the flood n’ all, and this way my world will be much more fluffy! You did remember to bring cat food, didn’t you?”

  • 167
    Mickey Droy says:

    So much for you thought experiment, Schrödie dear. They are all alive.

  • 171
    mdsullivan says:

    Let me guess, he told you, “Build the Ark and I’ll give you all the pussy you could ever want!”

  • 173
    Red Dog says:

    In reply to #176 by Frost1944:

    When I said more pussy this isn’t what I had in mind.

    A Request to Mods: Please no more caption contests that have cats in them. Too many of your users are immature adolescents and/or think stupid Asian stereotypes are hilarious.

  • 175
    Slobodoumnik says:

    God spoke to me and said that after this flood no one will say that herding atheists is like organizing cats.

  • 178
    vizente2002 says:

    Noah, God said seven animals of each species (Genesis 7:2-3) and not seven of every breed.

  • 179
    Slobodoumnik says:

    You know dear, I think it is time to bring up from below deck the gunnysacks and bricks I stowed away.

  • 180
    buckethead says:

    Noah ! God said, “all animals two by two,” not, “only tabby cats and you,”

  • 183
    mackhitch says:

    Noah, Gilgamesh had better sense. Why couldn’t you stick to the script?

  • 185
    Castilliano says:

    The first mistranslation was “ark” to “catamaran”. After that, the errors grew more pronounced.

  • 186
    Castilliano says:

    Noah’s wife just smiled blankly and clung to her kitties when Noah inquired about the status of the dinosaurs.

  • 187
    greenb925 says:

    All things bright and beautiful
    All creatures great and small
    All thing wise and wonderful
    Darwin explained them all….x

  • 189
    david smith says:

    God-the father, the son, the holy ghost and the ultimate multiple-personality disorder

  • 190
    Castilliano says:

    Tales of Noah’s less than successful and meow-fully delicious brother have been excised from the biblical account.

  • 191
    Namrevlis says:

    There’s this cat and that cat and the other cat and, and….. Mabel, quick, hand me the CATalogue.

  • 192
    Castilliano says:

    Though purged from the biblical account, Noah’s wife did have a name: Bast.

  • 193
    Alan4discussion says:

    . .. . and the Ark-Angel flew in low over the poop-deck with a message on animal selection, for Noah, but due to feline predation, it is now poop on the poop-deck. are you sure it said “More litters”? We’re running out of mice, doves, birds, dogs, and other cat food! Which way to Mount ‘ave a rat?

  • 195
    Castilliano says:

    “Noah, God didn’t tell me how many I should or shouldn’t bring.”

  • 196
    Castilliano says:

    Noah had to make it up to his wife somehow for forgetting “those lovely unicorns”.

  • 198
    kalbers says:

    Noah, after another sleepless night of hissing cats, turns to his wife with a loving smile, “Dear, honey, sweetie-pie, where did you put all the potato sacks?”

  • 199
    david smith says:

    Thank gosh I’m an atheist. Sorry, that’s a topic for another issue. But I’d still like to see it on a Richard Dawkins foundation t-shirt, though.

  • 201
    david smith says:

    Iza likes its whenz ya makes funs of bible peoples-its so dang funnay. Anz it’s written in such great grammar 2

  • 203
    david smith says:

    If God could fill a boat the size of the Titanic full of cats, then why can’t he cure every disease on earth, end poverty, crime, corruption and once and for bloody all, just fucking kill Satan

  • 204
    david smith says:

    Could Richard Dawkins send the atheist boat of cats around to this town I’m stuck in? It’s a hell-hole and I want to get out of here.. even though I’m not a cat person.

  • 206
    ellissg says:

    In reply to #2 by Kanehau:

    OMG… It’s raining cats!

    How about OMG! It’s raining cats but no dogs!

  • 209
    david smith says:

    And God said,” forgive them-they’re only kittens. After all, how much harm can a ship-full of cats do?’

  • 214
    Perry Bulwer says:

    And it came to pass after seven days that the windows of heaven were opened and it began to rain cats and dogma.

  • 215
    kalbers says:

    Being allergic to cats, and a professed “dog man”, Noah had to, for the first time, question God’s douchebaggery.

  • 216
    JeffMunroe says:

    And the Lord said . . . “Okay, this is the last time I trust inbred hillbillies to do ANYTHING! I’m out. You’re on your own.”

  • “Thank God cat lovers don’t believe in God!”

    If you google “cat lover” and “atheist”, you will know. 🙂

  • 220
    HMS Beagle says:

    Only cats remain after 40 days at sea, Noah
    Is heard to say ” Freaking Cats, is it to late
    To be an Atheist “.

  • 225
    suite144 says:

    (1) And you thought we couldn’t ‘herd cats’

    (2) Now this is a real ‘pussy riot’

  • 226
    gwhatmore says:

    While the rest of the human race got on with their lives, a silly man went sailing in the rain with lots of cats

  • 228
    glorious_bastard says:

    The moment, when Noah realised that his wife was in reality catwoman…

  • 229
    glorious_bastard says:

    “Noah darling, I think it’s time to stop your cloning experiments…”

  • 232
    Alan4discussion says:

    Meow! – Never mind the purrrfectly packaged Kentucky-fried-chicken Ginger Tom, Noah said there was Ham in here – or was that just porkies? !

  • 233
    MadEnglishman says:

    Don’t worry, dear. You know I had to take ALL my cats. There probably wouldn’t have been room for the dinosaurs anyway. I’m sure they’ll be okay…

  • OK, So the catamaran would have taken a couple more weeks. Time well spent I would have thought!

  • 237
    QuestioningKat says:

    Noah’s Ark Park, Creation Museum, Kentucky

    Unable to fit 2 x 6.5 million species, substitutions were made.

    (Unfortunately, costumes and the sprinkler system did not go over very well.)

  • MRS NOAH to NOAH “Hopefully when we arrive at the coast of Texas, they’ll be too busy blaming the atheists for the flood and not notice we stuffed up on the animals “

  • 244
    JosephMcMahon says:

    “Apparently it doesn’t only work with loaves and fishes”
    (spelling deliberate)

  • 248
    WheresTheBelief says:

    Technically, we only have two cats. God never said anything about kinds.

  • 250
    kalbers says:

    Little known fact in the Cat Bible, the Lord Meoweh commanded Noah and his wife to free all the cats from Egypt.

  • 251
    WheresTheBelief says:

    Was the “be fruitful and increase in number” part suppose to happen before or after we landed?

  • 252
    rollingstone says:

    Then God said “Build an ark and gather together a pair of humans and ………”

  • 253
    WheresTheBelief says:

    God, mad? Nah! I’d just as soon start drinking and curse my own son.

  • 254
    O Mycroft says:

    Soon, Noah would realize that he had misunderstood God’s instructions; and from then on, he would deeply regret that no way existed for a single species to give rise to the kind of diversity that had once graced the land.

  • 255
    t-bird says:

    Are you quite sure we got the instructions right? Were we supposed to gather two of everything while it rains cats and dogs for 40 days or were the two of us supposed to gather 40 cats? Either way, I’m pretty sure were supposed to make this ark.

  • And God told the Cats to choose two of the Humans, a male and a female, to have dominion over.

  • 257
    BlackBolt says:

    Noah to wife: I think you misunderstood me when I said “The world is ending and I want all the pussy I can get”.

  • 258
    EddyC says:

    Excellent work comrades, just in time too. And Mittens good thinking to save two monkey slaves for the future.

  • 259
    godless11 says:

    “and then they repopulated the earth, and lived happily ever after.”

  • 263
    AdOculos says:

    So all these cats suddenly appeared and there’s no sign of the Unicorns?

  • 264
    Theo H says:

    “The whole ‘Ark’ idea was pretty far fetched in the first place… no one will believe anyone was this crazy!… we’ll just tell them we took two of every animal.”

  • 267
    Joe Glen (UK) says:

    Noah’s wife: You do realise that if he chooses the St Bernard breed to complete this saying, then we’re fucked?

    Noah: Yes dear.

  • 269
    ewenfraser says:

    .. and when he said 2 of each kind you have to understand that’s just allegorical ..
    .. now that science tells us it was actually all cats that just proves how god’s so much smarter than us .. ya’ll see?

  • 272
    Davidc says:

    Photoshopped. The earth was only created a week ago and they don’t breed THAT fast!

  • 273
    God fearing Atheist says:

    Good. Now to the second stop where we pick up two of each kind of elephant.

  • 274
    Alan4discussion says:

    So the voice in my head said save the animals and the good Cat-licks!

    Now – no cat food left? Where’s Mount ‘ave-a-rat?

  • 275
    gdoddrell says:

    Darling, while you were pussy-footing around with the dogs look what happened!

  • 276
    Bob Springsteen says:

    Is this the experience that turned the only righteous man on earth (Genesis 7:1) into an alcholic (Genesis 9:21)?

  • 278
    godfree2 says:

    Genesis 9 Lives – God’s Covenant with Noah
    Though shall offer pussy passes

  • 281
    david smith says:

    And Noah said to God- ” Of course you do realize cats don’t like the water and they’re lousy swimmers.” And God replied- ” Why the hell do you think I conned you into building this goddammed boat?”

  • 286
    Regmaglypt says:

    ” It’s a non-issue…they don’t know God spelled backwards is Dog”

  • 287
    cristianneely says:
    • These cats are picky Noah, you now? I was going to bring just my favorite couple but it´s not like I can tell them who to “preserve the specie” with.
  • 288
    cristianneely says:
    • Noah! Is this a problem?
    • Not at all, God talked to me in my dreams last night, he told me cats can swim.
  • 290
    anca.urzica says:

    God told Noah to save all those cats because He needed them for his Youtube channel.

  • 293
    Pr.Raynal says:
    • Noah, you not fear to disobeying God?
    • If you think this guy is able to creating all species de novo, however can serve an arch? Moreover, according to Dawkins, there must be a minimum number of individuals to avoid future inconvenience of too low genetic diversity …
  • 294
    david smith says:

    And so it was written-Ted Nugent said to the Lord: “God, let me jam my fist up a kitten’s ass and turn it into a sock puppet.” And so it was done.

  • 295
    david smith says:

    And the one hanna-barbera cartoon cat said as he was kicked out of bed by all the other 13 billion hanna-barbera cartoon cats aboard the cat ark-” rassen, frassen, dirty- double dorten, borten!”
    For the less enlighten animated cartoon lover, that was an example of cartoon profanity.

  • 296
    Sandman says:

    The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. 6 The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. 7 So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.” 8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.

    “Look at what my kitty does with this string!”

  • 299
    Steve Harrison says:

    Being all knowing one would have imagined that god would have realised that human beings are genetically divided into two distinct and easily recognised sub-species, dog lovers and cat lovers !

  • 300
    Bob Springsteen says:

    A theological objection: Why has Noah got long hair? The Bible clearly teaches that “If a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him” (1Corinthians 11:14). Perhaps Jehovah sent a plague of cats to punish his disobedient servant?

  • 302
    sangfroid says:

    I told you not to place them next to the hares. They have evolved the ability to multiply like rabbits!

  • 303
    Manzanilla40 says:

    Yahweh told him to take two of each animal, but you know cat lovers…

  • 305
    Cantaz says:

    M-theory of the origin of a species (“M” as in “Meow!”): how a gazillion cats can appear literally out of nothing – no supernatural creator required…

  • 306
    Regmaglypt says:

    It I’ll be OK Noah. There are two rods downstairs and I hear they ALL love Tuna.

  • 307
    Theo H says:

    God soon realised that Noah’s son, Ham, was not “cut from the same cloth” as his dad.

  • 309
    rickgesicht says:

    Darn Emsara, I think we just started the 6th mass extinction event

  • 310
    genjamin says:

    Emzara: Didn’t God say two of each? What happened?

    Noah: I asked for more pussy

  • 311
    genjamin says:

    “I thought it was too many as well but God calls it the ‘species problem’. He’s working on it.”

  • 313
    kenny77 says:

    Explanation for Noah’s Ark : After the flood, God re-created all the animals from the ribs of cats.

  • 317
    Lonevoice says:

    Doesn’t matter: they’ll all evolve into something else – we’ll just say these were a common ancestor.

  • 318
    SkyMommy says:

    And they just love the taste of brined humans, and God saw that it was good.

  • 321
    Tintern says:

    Russell Crowe refused to star in a low-budget version of Noah after seeing the story boards.

  • 322
    david smith says:

    Thus Noah proclaimed, ” If I had a billion more cats like Clouseau, I could destroy the world.” And so god half-assed granted Noah’s wish. Noah shouldn’t have watched that Pink Panther movie the night before while drinking the holy water and then talking in his drunken stupor.

  • 323
    david smith says:

    Why couldn’t God just snap his fingers or wiggle his nose and just make the cat-ark magically appear? Oh, but of course, that would defeat the purpose of this totally fact-based, faith -driven, inspirational story. Silly me, I forgot. Carry on with the rest of the show.

  • 324
    HellFireFuel says:

    We are sailing to Moscow.

    Lets see how Putin likes a real Pussy Riot.

  • 325
    colin.marshall.543 says:

    Noah honey, that was such a great idea – use the space on the boat for my darlings and Jehova can intelligently design the creatures again later!

  • 328
    Mr DArcy says:

    “Now you can stop that Tom foolery, Noah !”, she said with a wicked twinkle in her eye. “And no Jerry mandering about it !”

  • 330
    FocusedCynic says:

    And the latest error by notorious biblical scribe Stupidus of Tarsis proves to obscure the true meaning of the book of Neuter-onomy.

  • 331
    Bob Springsteen says:

    At the time of the flood these creatures were known as cts because there was No a.

  • 332
    Cantaz says:

    This is what would have happened had Noah listened to his wife rather than the voices inside his head…

  • 334
    alf1200 says:

    I know you couldn’t get two of each kind, but was it really a good idea to get two thousand of these?

  • 335
    Lance says:

    “God told me to be sure to take a lot of cats because we’re going to need them in a few thousand years when he sends the Black Plague.”

    A few thousand years later.
    “Oops!”

  • 337
    kalbers says:

    Noah’s wife shakes her head at her husband. “Just typical, Noah. God gives you simple instructions and you go and fuck it up for a bunch of pussy… but I can’t stay mad, they are adorable pussies”

  • 338
    alf1200 says:

    “And they will spread through the Earth and repopulate for they are good”

  • 340
    david smith says:

    You know-if God had been somewhat pro-active in the first place-he would have seen the Dark Ages, The Plague, all the wars humanity would fight till the end of time, the talking deceptive snake he created… wait, that would defeat the whole purpose of the Bible and religion in general. Never mind

  • 343
    david smith says:

    And God so loved the world he killed every living thing in it-except for a half-dozen eight-hundred year old people and a boat full of cats to repopulate the world. If that doesn’t speak of God’s love, what does?

  • 345
    phil rimmer says:

    The opening tableux of the Ken Ham Ark Experience suffers its final ignominy when the replacement animals, after the previous night of natural carnage, are finally delivered from the pound.

  • 346
    phil rimmer says:

    “Do you think they’ll notice?”

    “Nah. This is the Ken Ham Ark Experience. He’ll make up some shit to explain it away.”

  • 347
    phil rimmer says:

    In reply to #357 by phil rimmer:

    The opening tableux of the Ken Ham Ark Experience suffers its final ignominy when the replacement animals, after the previous night of natural carnage, are finally delivered from the pound.

    after the previous night’s innevitable carnage…

  • 349
    claudio r says:
    • I thought only a couple of each kind was allowed…
    • Yeah, that was before Jeremeowh here kicked Noah and his two dogs off the ark!
  • 352
    Alan4discussion says:

    Hammy Ark eventually saves the local stray animals climbing to higher ground, when climate change brings floods up the Kentucky backwaters of ignorance!

  • 353
    buckethead says:

    Noah ! I said, ” all animals two by two,” NOT, “just pussy cats and you.”

  • 354
    Darth Vader says:

    Schrodinger said “Multiple Universes”, but multiple cats was the best the guy in the sky could manage…

  • 356
    Fiorenzo says:

    On Captain Richard N. Dawkins’s Ark

    I swear it, Elisabeth, I have done all as the Lord has ordered me!

    Oh … yes, Richard, I believe you …

  • 357
    jamesrigby says:

    They bred and they went after the Koi and the goldfish. So we put those in a multi-storey carp ark.

  • 360
    MitchLampert says:

    Unknown to most Biblical historians, Noah had built 3 arks: Into the A Ark would go all the leading, high-achieving animals: Dogs, cattle, etc. Into the B Ark would go the useless fantasy ones, such as unicorns and dragons. Then there was the C Ark…

  • 366
    Rowena says:

    Noah realised it must have been another of God’s little jokes when He promised him all the pussy in the world if he built the ark.

  • 367
    egena says:

    ” I’ve always been a dog-person, but I guess there’s NOAH counting FUR taste! “

  • 374
    marc.w.curtis says:

    Why do all the fish to swim around in the water and we’re stuck in here?

  • 377
    TravelinMan18 says:

    Noah: Sweetheart, don’t look now, but I think we have a serious Problem going on above you…

  • 381
    markrowland says:

    How Facebook videos may have affected Noah’s view of the animal kingdom.

  • 383
    Thomas Glen says:

    when god asked noah to save the worlds animals from a global flood by putting them on a huge ark, he should have considered whether or not he was a cat person

  • 386
    Atheos Nous says:

    Mrs Noah: No, no, Noey! He said two of every KIND! Cats of different stripes don’t count.
    Noah: But honey, they will later, much later. “Kind” could mean anything then!

  • 387
    Crispin says:

    In the prophetic scroll of Facebook we read “cats will fill the earth and they will come to dominate it”

  • If an all-knowing god truly wanted to save two of each animal, by ordering a guy to put them on a boat, then he woulddn’t have picked a guy whos wife was a crazy cat-lady.

  • 389
    Daniel Clavel says:

    “A sign in the colors of a rainbow? Trust me, I foresee a part of our posterity will know how to handle this, among other unwanted…”

  • 390
    simplexity says:

    For God said unto Noah…”Noah, I will make it rain 40 day & 40 nights. Thou shalt build an Ark. Upon this Ark, thou shalt lead all animals 2 by 2…you know what, scratch that. Save the Kitteh, Noah. I love the Kitteh. In the future, we shall have funny memes with the Kitteh.”

  • 392
    1s0nych1a says:

    “Well”, said Mr Tibbles, “we’re all safe, thanks to the crazy cat lady in the sky!”

  • 393
    Carvendish says:

    “It was a good deal, wasn’t it ? Taking us on their boat in exchange of feeding them and taking care of them as if they were gods, generation after generation.”
    “Now that you mention it, I plan to start a new religion after landing.”

  • I’m sure that young zoologist at the shelter is just as happy as we are, dear

  • 395
    Artgal says:

    OK. We’ve boarded all the species of cat, Noah. Shall we do insects next?

  • 397
    jerrisophicles says:

    “Have you found any cat food? I thought Bastet, the Egyptian cat god, invited us on her ark to clean the litter but now I’m not so sure.”

  • 398
    acelebrationofreason says:

    N.O.A.H.’s A.R.K. (Noah Only Allows Healthy And Rambunctious Kitties!)

  • 399
    HRTaylor1 says:

    “The label said electric can opener, but when I pushed on the top……”

  • 401
    Mr_Keep says:

    “…and so”, continued Shrodinger, “at the same time the cats are all alive, the cats are also all dead”. “What a ridiculously far fetched and stupid idea”, replied Noah as he single handedly loaded two of every animal on earth into his really big boat, to avoid the wrath of god….

  • 404
    Lightningslim says:

    “So wife, is this why you ‘Forgot,’ to send the Dinosaurs the memo?”

  • 409
    manumaid says:

    “Oh bloody hell, Noah darling. I’m allergic to these damn felines. Gotta go, sorry! Have a safe journey .”

  • 410
    Julie Davies says:

    If you’d hadn’t skipped science class for bible studies, you’d know he said “double helix”, not “double felix”.

  • 411
    markbloke says:

    So I said “How about I only take the animals that won’t be extinct in a few thousand years anyway?”. He hadn’t thought of that.

  • 414
    SHHornet says:

    Four millions cats aboard Noah’s Ark. Further prove, cat don’t listen to anybody!

  • 415
    predle says:

    And man will have dominion over all the beasts, except of course, cats.
    The Gospel According to Ceiling Cat: 5-7

  • 417
    Atheos Nous says:

    And so it was, in the year 2348 BC, God gifted his creations the first Cat-astrophe. And God saw it. And God said it was goo…what the meow?

  • 418
    palvaradog says:

    “Don’t worry honey, it’ll be alright, I mean, He knows they are ALL one of a kind”

  • 419
    fotoflex says:

    “He explained there would be something called “the Internet” in the future, and was there anything funny I’d like to see on it?’

  • 421
    frankmcculler says:

    Noah, what do you mean you prayed to God for a boat load of pussy?

  • 424
    Daisy says:

    It soon became apparent to God that Noah was a cat lover, not a dog lover.

  • 432
    dorte.faatz says:

    Told you! Survival of the cutest. Yeah, we’re gonna make it to the Internet!

  • 437
    David.Allan.Phillips says:

    God: Noah, I told you only two of each kind! Why so many cats?
    Noah: I know God, I’ve tried to only take two but every time the flood takes them they keep coming back! Of all the creatures you could have given nine lives to, why the cats?!
    God: Ooops! My bad!

  • 438
    leaddog says:

    So, Noah, having been celibate for the 120 years it took to construct the Arc, asked the Genie for…

  • 439
    Buerggiste says:

    Time to celebrate after sailing around the world in two forty days doing a good “Job” to win the “Bet”.

  • 440
    duointherain says:

    There was no birth control on Noah’s ship and it was good enough for him! It’s good enough for us!

  • 441
    Archaeomatt says:

    Noah would no longer question God’s insistence he make the giant sack stashed safely in the ark hold. It was clear that He had some special wrath in mind for all cat-kind.

  • 442
    mark.peacock.7161 says:

    Just because God spelt backwards is Dog, is no reason just to have cats!

  • 443
    Leeboy26 says:

    ‘Darling, when you said there was going to be a Cathouse on board…’

  • 444
    cmcluckie says:

    “So you see, finding God is like being on a boat of cats hoping that the birds come to us.”

  • 445
    mark.peacock.7161 says:

    “Noah, I overheard you say in the pub that you liked Pussy, so I got you a few extra”

  • 447
    kim.christison says:

    Do the math, Wife. At this rate we can have 9 floods, for 9 years, for 9 millennia and still have a couple left over.

  • 448
    mark.peacock.7161 says:

    Good job we packed that book “101 things to do with a Dead Cat”

  • 450
    markbrobson says:

    Noah’s younger brother, Eric, received a different message from God.

  • 456
    Noituloveon says:

    You putz! It’s r-a-i-n-i-n-g………not r-e-i-g-n-i-n-g and when it’s the dogs’ turn up here………..don’t bothah me, Mr. Einstein!

  • 457
    The-Stoat says:

    And God made toxoplasma gondii in His image. And He said “Go, find a host, make him do your bidding to build a boat for all the cats”.

  • 458
    rhonda.jean1 says:

    And Mr. Whiskers begat Toby who begat Milo who begat Tigger who begat Oliver who begat Harley who begat Stanley. And they ruled on the deck of the ark until The Lord saw they needed more room. Then He commanded Noah to throw them overboard. And that, my friends, is how cats learned to swim.

  • 464
    morgan.byers.7 says:

    “My bad, I forgot to warn you about the whole 9 lives thing with cats.” -God

  • 466
    Onemanvolt says:

    Jehovah Science Center of Kentucky presents: Noah Saved The Cats coloring book. All proceeds go to the Dr. Reverend Wayne Pathos Center for the Study of Sin, Winnemucca, Nevada.

  • 468
    dardafdti says:

    From the Egyptian version of the flood myth.

    This is how they tell the story in Egypt.

  • 469
    alexis.latorre.ordenes says:

    Listen to me Naamah. God told me that cats will be in the future a great success in Internet

  • 470
    shady shafik says:

    Noah: oh Damn it I already forgot to bring the treatment for toxoplasmosis. I hope we have enough contraceptive pills otherwise God will be worshiped by an ancestry of dummies

  • 471
    embrunger says:

    Maybe we shouldn’t have left the species selection decision up to a youtube vote.

  • 472
    kenneth.miller.5811 says:

    Weather seems to be breaking. It’s only raining cats now.

  • 473
    heinsterdk says:

    I miss the dogs to, but why would the cat lie about talking with god?

  • 474
    Zeuglodon says:

    The Noah story, if told by cats.

    The humans are only there to open the tins.

  • 475
    ToddPinksen says:

    And God spake unto Noah, saying “What do you expect ME to do? They’re cats!”

  • 476
    heinsterdk says:

    I miss the dogs to, but why would the cat lie about talking with god?

  • 477
    seant82 says:

    …and all the other animals were lost in the Great Flood when Noah found love in the form of the crazy cat lady.

  • 481
    Benny.Worth says:

    ‘33,000 square feet & a few hundred days… please spay or neuter your pets’

    or perhaps…

    ‘Next week, on History’s Hoarders’

  • 482
    Iskelion says:

    “god told noah to take 2 of each “kind”, and noah took 2 of each “kind” of cat”

  • 484
    missesaw says:

    There’s no way to put 5000 species on a boat!! Screw it…go ahead and let the cats onboard.

  • 485
    david smith says:

    It was predestined by god that the earth became corrupted by people and that a flood would drown all the wicked, then cats would become the next dominant species on the evolutionary food chain. All hail the almighty cat-a-cism. Yoiks and away!
    See-god planned all this bull-shit from the start.

  • 486
    david smith says:

    Oh-lookey-lookey! I am a kiddy-kad floating out to sea along with other kiddy-kads on a floating kiddy-kad bed. I am hoping to find a personal savior called Jesurs/Christ.God/ The Lode.
    I hopes he will save me and all the other kiddy-kads like me so I can fondle him, and hold him and caress him and lick his fur and stroke his bill and hug him and squeeze him forevers and evers, amen!

  • 487
    david smith says:

    Silly God-arks are for cats!
    [ mixed-metaphoric 1960’s animated tv cereal commercial reference]

  • 489
    Painimies says:

    It’s rather nice you insisted on bringing Toxoplasma Gondii on board.

  • 495
    dapal says:

    Then, God told to Noah: pick your favourite animals of my creation on board before I flood the earth. So Noah, helped by God’s infinite wisdom, though about what is the best for the future of the world, and decided to take only the most atheist like specie of animal on earth.

  • 499
    nick zanghi says:
    Leviticus 11:27 "Also whatever walks on its paws, among all the creatures that walk on all fours, are unclean to you..."
    

    Oops, my bad God. Emzara just really loves cats.

  • 501
    G Soleros says:

    They were the only ones willing to sign up, when I told it only would be fish on the meny and no exercise!

  • 505
    nicole.madau says:

    Noah did give god’s commandment to take two of every animal serious consideration… But after some honest and reflective soul searching, he discovered he was really more of a cat person.

  • 507
    JeffMunroe says:

    “Unfortunately, George and Martha’s attempt to re-create the story did not end well . . . “

  • 508
    JeffMunroe says:

    No food, no water . . . the Coast Guard had determined that it was a suicide pact . . . “Death by consumption”.

  • 509
    R. Ubycon says:

    When exactly did HE order you to have a hyposensibilisation therapy?

  • 510
    phil1935 says:

    Recent arkeological discovery disputes Biblical description of Noah’s ark’s manifest.

  • 511
    JeffMunroe says:

    After Fred stopped taking his medication, the Genesis Science Monitor decided it was time to pull his ‘Re-creation Studies’ funding.

  • 512
    totolehero says:

    Noah, i know you asked for every cougars in town. But i didn’t find any.

  • 514
    totolehero says:

    Honey, remember those panleukopenia vials i asked you to pack? Well, you better find it!

  • 520
    Gboyce says:

    “They sold their worldly possessions, barely scraping enough coin together to afford the cheapest tickets for the Catship. With nothing but the clothes on their backs and a prayer in their hearts, Bob and Linda set out for the new world, determined to make a new life for themselves.”

  • 521
    CoolPapa654 says:

    God: “Noah… uh, what’s up with all the cats?”
    Noah: “You texted saying to make the ark 300 cats long, 50 cats wide, and 30 cats high, that’s what I did.”
    God: “I texted you cubits, not cats?!? DAMN AUTOCORRECT.”

  • 522
    reskueteam says:

    Don’t worry, God is bound to command us to exterminate all these Amala-cats at some point!

  • 525
    peggy.clancy.1 says:

    Noah allowed his felines for a woman to interfere with his thinking, thus causing God’s plan for an ark to fail. The whole story ultimately ended up as a myth.

  • 527
    peggy.clancy.1 says:

    Noah’s felines for a woman clouded his thinking, thus causing God’s plan for an ark to fail. The whole story ultimately ended up as a myth.

  • 529
    peggy.clancy.1 says:

    Noah’s felines for a woman caused God’s plan for the ark to fail. The whole story ultimately ended up as a myth.

  • 532
    EvolvedPrimate says:

    Yahweh couldn’t wait to see what Noah and his Families reaction would be when they found out that they were only experiencing the first half of what would eventually be a saying that is still used to this day.

  • 533
    arachnoides says:

    When the rains came, Noah began to regret his decision to support his wife’s cat sanctuary.

  • 534
    Timothy McNamara says:

    Noah’s tendency to mumble resulted in his taking possession of an ark load of pussy.

  • 537
    tr4c355 says:

    Allowing her pets aboard the ark, Noah’s wife causes the first cat-astrophe of the new world.

  • 538
    Rosbif says:

    “Noah saved a pair of cats for each species on the planet because it was much nicer. When the flood passed, the cats spread out over the earth and THEN god turned them into the species we see today.”
    Kan Hem. Creation Sciencer and Museum owner.

  • 540
    Regmaglypt says:

    “Noah dear…it’s clear they do not share your view of diversity”