As a child I was influenced by my family. When my parents told me about ghosts I demanded them to show me one – they couldn’t but insisted the ghost existed anyway. My grand mothers where more convincing, I realy feared of the ghosts called “Babocks”, of the black cats crossing my way and of the devil wiggling on my legs when I moved my legs up and down. I also feared of “urok” – a kind of curse that somebody (especialy the old women) can throw on the other people, the animals or even the plants. Everybody talked that there were such things like God, Devil, different ghosts, heaven and hell. It was hard to agree these conceptions with any kind of knowlege however. It came to the point that my friend souposed the devils lived in the surface of the moon!
I still remember my surprise when I first heard that there’s not such things – there’s no God, no ghosts, no ethernal life and so on. It was the sister of my mother who have told me so, as if she said “the weather is fine”.
Next time, when I was talking about death with my parents, they have told me that I shouldn’t bother myself because it’s so long, long, long. I realized that I don’t realy believe in any life after my death.
Then it all passed away, the school began and many people worked on my mind. I tried to be good – tried to be patriotic, to be smart, to go to church and to believe. To pray for all my family and friends and so. But the more I learned the harder it was to agree the knowlege and even my common sense with religion. I searched through the other religions. I liked hinduism especialy. Buddism was convincing even more. It all could not stand the comparizon with the science however. There was too many weak points in any religion I took into consideration. The conception of metaphysics was weak.
There was only one reason that stopped me and held me back. It was my fear – implemented in me by my family, teachers and priests – the fear of death. People used to say – it is good to believe in case the Church was right.
It took quite a long time I realized that there’s nothing to fear of. I think I was 24 years old when I first told it freely to my friends. Now I feel much better than before – I am aware that the death is natural part of life and there is nothin bad in not existing after my own death. I know I won’t suffer any pain in hell nor any pleasure in heaven. It’s good consciousness, very calming. Now I can have real fun in my everyday life.