Clara Lutz, Converts, #(2017)

Jan 14, 2015

I was born into a evangelical, holly-rolling, bible beating family in April of 1991. At a very young age I had my first panic attack when we discussed heaven and hell, and eternity in my children’s church. I was brought down to the “big” service where multiple adults prayed for me. I could hear my mother crying and asking what she did wrong. I was afraid of eternity. Afraid of the never ending cycle of worship that I was told would be in heaven. I struggled the rest of my life with depression. I felt guilt for everything I did and feared hell as much as I feared heaven. As I grew older and my interest in science and how the world worked, my doubts about religion surfaced. I fought it of course for fear of being singled out in church like so many of my friends had. Eventually I was for the way I was dressed. I stopped going to church when I was 18. The next year I met my partner in life. He had never been to church, even as a child, and my stories horrified him. I came to the realization that I had experienced true trauma due to my upbringing. I decided, after much reaserche and self-evaluation, that all logic pointed to no god. I declared myself and atheist. I was finally free. Free to love the world and universe for what it was. Free to love people for who they are because we are all connected. Conected to the earth, to the universe, and to each other. No longer did I fear death. No longer did I feel guilty for everything I did. It was very liberating. I experienced backlash from friends and family, but in the end it was all worth it. I had my sanity again. My scientific and logical brain would not allow me to go back to the superstitions and fears of my childhood. I am finally free.

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