Dear Yahweh, You’re Fired: an Open Termination Letter for God

Feb 10, 2015

By Dennis Augustine

Dear Yahweh,

Our working relationship is not what it used to be. My parents absolutely worshiped and adored you, so out of respect for them, I feel that it’s only right to explain to you my thought process re what I’m about to tell you. I’m sure you can see what’s coming next and have anticipated it for a while. If not, why not?

We communicated often at the start, then less and less. Some years ago I noticed that certain duties which are part of your job description were being neglected or mismanaged. I’ve called you several times, leaving messages asking you to address these issues but you have repeatedly refused to answer my calls.

When my parents first handed this life over to me you had already been in charge for a long, long time. They told me that you were the family’s closest friend and knew more about the life business than anyone else.  They told me to trust you no matter what, so I let your apparent negligence slide, remembering how they told me to trust you. In deference to them I decided overlook your unexplained behavior considering all of the fine work that I thought you were doing in other areas. The universe, after all, is pretty incredible, my life could have been worse and beer was definitely a nice touch. I am afraid however, that my patience with you has come to an end due to relatively recent information that has been bought to my attention. I know you’re kind of old school so let me break it down for you.

I have followed with great interest the interim findings of the ongoing Public Inquiry into the Workings of the Universe (a.k.a. “The Sciences”) for some time now. As I became more familiar with these findings I began to see that much of the work that you have taken responsibility for—the work that really was the only thing that prevented me from firing you long ago—was not your doing at all. In fact, I learned that it’s been known for centuries that pretty much everything that I credited you with had actually been fully outsourced to the universe since the very beginning but that you and your cronies suppressed that information, hiding it from my family and countless others, with tireless zeal. If only you had applied that same level of devotion to your actual jobs I wouldn’t be writing this letter now.

You lead us to believe that you lovingly and purposefully created our amazing bodies. That, I learned, was actually Evolution. You say that you created the universe. I should have suspected that you were full of it when you had the audacity to say you did it by the sheer force of your own will out of nothing at all in just six days. I’ll give you this: you sure did show some balls in demanding a day off for the good job you did! By the way, quality assurance results on the universe are in and it’s not all that well “designed” after all. Yeah, the universe was caused by the big bang.  The “acts of God”? Natural disasters. (I never understood why you wanted to take credit for those), love, compassion, justice, community? That was all us; it had nothing to do with you. I wish you had told me yourself and I didn’t have to find this out from other people. Boy, I was so gullible! Oh well, you’ve tricked better people than I so I’ll forgive myself for falling for it. Well, enough is enough. Something has to be done about the situation.


Read the full letter by clicking the name of the source located below.

5 comments on “Dear Yahweh, You’re Fired: an Open Termination Letter for God

  • I have followed with great interest the interim findings of the ongoing Public Inquiry into the Workings of the Universe (a.k.a. “The Sciences”) for some time now. As I became more familiar with these findings I began to see that much of the work that you have taken responsibility for—the work that really was the only thing that prevented me from firing you long ago—was not your doing at all. In fact, I learned that it’s been known for centuries that pretty much everything that I credited you with had actually been fully outsourced to the universe since the very beginning but that you and your cronies suppressed that information, hiding it from my family and countless others, with tireless zeal. If only you had applied that same level of devotion to your actual jobs I wouldn’t be writing this letter now.

    PS. I wish you and your good wife Asherah, a speedy departure to your new enterprises in the deluded minds of the third world evangelists, who, as they score 100% on the gullibility scale, with their top ratings for fallacious circular thinking skills, – should be well placed to offer you both a good retirement home!
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  • I have always wondered how someone stays a pastor or priest or whatever you want to call it after reading the Bible. That thing is a violent bloodbath, irrational, filled with pointless elements like Noah cursing one of his sons descendents for seeing him naked.
    I checked out the web about this guy. He mentions that his sister killed her kids. This guy is in pain. Is that what broke the camels back? Can’t you look around the world and see how millions of kids are dying each year just due to natural causes?
    And as for the “relationship with god” thing, like I said before, I can’t tell the difference between a god that exists and does nothing and a god that doesn’t exist. Nobody is talking to any god. It is all in your head.
    Also, I’m glad that you are on board with science. Let your curiosity be free and read more science articles. No religion can explain how the universe works bc they all come from primitive and superstitious people.
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  • 5
    hisxmark says:

    Dear Mr. Augustine,

    In reply to your letter, I have been asked to explain some things to you, by Yahweh.

    First, he is not omniscient, because if he were there would be no point in creating universes. A universe is just his way of re-creating himself, kind of like the chicken and the egg. He finds out things by creating universes out of himself. It involves black holes and big bangs and quantum foam, and a bunch of other stuff that is really beyond me.

    Second, there are some things he just can’t do. He can’t change the value of mathematical constants nor the rules that govern mathematics. For instance, as the curvature of a surface tends towards zero, the ratio of the diameter of a circle to its circumference tends toward a limiting value. (C/d = Pi) That’s it. There is no way to change it. That being said, the universe has to be pretty much as it is. That still leaves lots of room for variation and lots of things to be learned.

    As far as not doing his job: He starts the universe off, and then watches its development, and figures out whether anything new is to be learned from it. To try to explain why things are the way they are would be like trying to teach tensor calculus to an embryo.

    Your complaint to Yahweh is on a par with a complaint from one of the cells of your body to you. Your whole placenta died, and every one of those cells was you. What a tragedy. The webbing that formed between your embryonic fingers died. Millions of your cells die every day, and except for a few in your brain, they all blame you. It must be your fault.

    You are made of stardust, a complex twisting of space-time, and you are aware of yourself and the universe of which you are an unimaginably infinitesimally tiny component, and that, I would submit, is really amazing.

    Your complaint has been noted and appropriately filed, but Yahweh is too busy picking the winner of the next Superbowl to respond personally.

    By the way, you can’t fire him, because he is self-employed. Furthermore, he never hired you.

    Respectfully, for Yahweh,

    His (X) Mark
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