I went to a private Christian high school. To be able to graduate it was obligatory that you took four years of Bible classes. My secular journey began in my junior year. All the teachers in the school were devout Christians and claimed they hear the voice of God occasionally. I really wanted to have that kind of relationship with God because I had a horrible relationship with my family at that time. I wanted to hear his voice. I was wondering why he wasn’t speaking to me. My teachers just told me to make my heart pure, to open my heart and really believe and then I will hear his voice. For that I had to get rid of all doubt and become pure. I would get angry at myself for being selfish or for lusting. I became extremely frustrated with myself. I desperately needed to hear his voice to know that I wasn’t alone. Of course I never heard his voice and I was left desolate. I felt empty and depressed. I was taught that Christianity was supposed to fill an insatiable hole in my heart and set me free.
Then I asked myself the key question “What if there is no god?” I began to research, but I still couldn’t believe evolution because of the 11 years of indoctrination in a Christian school. Then I tried to reread Bible passages with a different perspective. Most of the books were absurd and really made no sense. I began to look up atheism and began to understand. I officially became an atheist. To be honest I felt free. I didn’t feel any guilt. But I was scared of telling others. I only told my brother. I really don’t see why I felt ashamed. Today, I feel free and enlightened.